SELLERS: Matt and Shane Keough
LOCATION: Secret Garden, Irvine, CA
SIZE: 2,300 square feet (approx.), 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Elegant corner townhouse, travertine floors, granite kitchen with maple mocha woodwork, wood shutters, designer paint and carpet, stainless appliances, refrigerator, washer/dryer, dual masters (1 up, 1 down) with walk in closets. Third bedroom/office on lower level.
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Hold on to your boots children because there’s real estate trouble brewing behind the Orange Curtain, and it looks like it’s just going to to get even hotter in that suburban oven. Not too long ago the residents of newly built gated communities all across inland Orange Country we’re giddily gabbing to each other about how much their big ass tract houses had gained in value as they sat around their ridiculously lavish backyards sipping cocktails and counting their money. Those days seem to be coming to an abrupt end as is evidenced by the real estate difficulties being faced by several of the folks featured on the Bravo’s reality T.V. train wreck The Housewives of Orange County.
First, Hummer driving beau-hunk Slade Smiley tried to unload his over-leveraged love nest behind the gates of Coto de Caza on Meadow Wood Lane for nearly $1,700,000. The house and its acres of craptastic white carpeting went through several price reductions, but found no serious buyers. It is currently priced at $1,290,000, which is far less than what is owed on the property, and according to a recent article in the Orange Country Business Journal (thanks B.S. Beaverman), Housewife real estate agent queen bee Jeana Keough (sorry Tamra, you haven’t ripped that crown from her head yet) is reportedly negotiating a “short sale” on the swimming pool-less property.
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The next Housewife to put an O.C. property on the market was Lauri Waring, who may well be the sweetest gal in Orange County, but children, Your Mama worries something terrible about this ladee. This woman appears to have so much plastic in her body and face that we are concerned she might melt like the Wicked Witch of the West in the blistering Orange County sunshine. Anyhoo, once richie rich fiancée George bought Miz Waring a Mercedes and a big diamond ring, she put her single mommy condo in Mission Viejo on the market for $599,000. Interestingly, she did not choose Miz Keough as her listing agent. Again according to the O.C. Business Journal, the 3 bedroom 2.5 bathroom condo was taken off the market due to lack of interest. Your Mama presumes (but has NO confirmation) that Miz Waring’s daughter is living there again because even though she’s in her early twenties, she seems reluctant to get an education, a job, or to pay her own way in the world.
Then came the high drama that is Vicki Gunvalson’s real estate nightmare on Altamira. With both Gunvalson children in college (good for them!), the high strung, high earning insurance broker and her mellow huzband Don bought a 4,000 square foot house behind the gates in Coto. Although the new house is still quite large, it’s smaller than their current digs, and the idea was to move to the house on Altamira to empty nest. However, before that Frankie dude could finish “decorating” the place, Vicki decided that scaling down felt like failure. So the Gunvalson’s called Jeana, who listed the 5 bedroom and 6 bathroom property at $1,780,000. At least one price reduction later, the house remains unsold and now Slade Smiley is apparently storing his belongings in the house. The property no longer appears on Jeana’s website and Vicki appears frantic about the situation on the show.
Honestly kids Your Mama can’t blame her freaking out. Yes, she took on all that debt willingly, but with two big mortgages, a sagging real estate market, a house in Lake Havasu to maintain, a newly rented office, two kids in college, and a fleet of luxury automobiles to pay for, she’s got a mammoth monthly nut. Your Mama would be falling to pieces too if we had to write that many checks. So while she’s ka–razy as a loon, we feel for her pocketbook.
Late last night, thanks to the kind tip by Mister Tom Thumb, Your Mama learned that Housewife Jeana has also listed one of the family’s properties for sale at $849,000. Jeana once boasted on the T.V. program that she had bought a house for each of her children, and this one appears to have been for the often shirtless and diamond stud wearing semi-pro baseball playing son Shane.
Property records reveal that Mister and Missus Keough purchased the 2,300 square foot (approx.) condo in October of 2004 for $767,000. The 3 bedroom and 3 bathroom end unit condominium was later transferred into Shane’s name along with that of Mister Matt Keough, who is currently serving 180 days in the clink for a parole violation. More reality that you won’t see on that particular reality program. Poor Jeana. Dee-vorce and drunken family drama is never that funny kids, and Your Mama has an honest to goodness soft spot for Jeanna and we sincerely hope this family is able to move on and right their topsy turvy boat.
Given that hawt-stuff Shane lives in Arizona, or some other place where he gets paid to swat little white balls with a big stick, Your Mama presumes that the hideous beige decor in the photos does not belong to Shane or the Keoughs, and that the place is leased out to some tasteless tenant with an unhealthy affinity for gargantuan sectional sofas and faux topiary.
To be honest, little is more dee-pressing to Your Mama that the notion of living in a “luxury” condo development in the suburban wilds of Irvine, so we really can’t fathom why anyone would even consider paying upwards of $800,000 to buy this place. But for Jeana’s sake, we hope someone does buy it, and quick.
P.S. Your Mama thinks the house owned by Housewife Tammy Knickerbocker might also be for sale…Anyone?