SELLER: Jade Jagger
LOCATION: Keslake Road, Queen’s Park, London, UK
SIZE: 1,989 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: …Offering lavish, extremely well presented accommodation throughout, the property comprises fabulous reception and dining room, convenient eat-in kitchen opening onto garden, master bedroom with incredible en suite bathroom and walk-in wardrobe, two further generous bedrooms, glamorous bathroom with mosaic mirror wall and ceiling tiles and charming private garden to the rear…
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A very kind British bloke we’ll call Sweeney Todd recently sent Your Mama a covert communique informing us know that rock and roll heiress turned jewelry designer and property developer Jade Jagger has listed her louche London home with an asking price of £1,500,000, a figure our bejeweled abacus reveals converts to $2,471,970 at today’s rates.
It probably goes without saying the Jade Sheena Jezebel Jagger is the party princess progeny of mammoth mouthed Mick Jagger and the wonderfully bizarre Bianca Jagger, who the children will recall was recently booted from her rent controlled apartment on New York’s posh Park Avenue.
Thirty something year old Miss Jagger spent much of the last ten or twelve years earning a good living as the creative director of the old-school and very expensive British jewelry company Garrad. Somehow she managed to design gem encrusted jewelry while living the hedonistic life of a well-heeled hippie in a converted barn on the Spanish island of Ibiza. However, a couple of years ago, with her two daughters reaching their terrible teenage years, the single mommy relocated the family back to London where they settled in a modest house on Keslake Road in quirky Queen’s Park where some of her neighbors are reported to include 007 hot-bahdee Daniel Craig, naughty and outspoken singer/songwriter Lily Allen, novelist Zadie Smith and super slim actress Thandie Newton.
Listing information indicates Miss Jagger’s brick built house measures in at a modest 1,989 square feet and includes just 3 bedrooms and two garishly glitzy bathrooms, including one where in the absence of gravity one could snort cocaine off the mirrored walls and ceiling.
The front of house is surrounded by a garden with high hedges which may (or may not) provide enough privacy and protection for Miss Jagger to sunbathe in the nood. The ground floor consists of just two large rooms divided by a long and narrow entrance and stair hall. At approximately 600 square feet, the reception room–which we call a living room in the good ol‘ U-nited States of America–is large and high enough for Miss Jagger’s glossy black dining room table topped with two insanely terrific gold statuettes. Several sofas and chairs provide plenty of lounging space, but curiously, there is not a coffee table in sight.
The kitchen features a complicated and spectacular tiled floor, a big mama sized Aga range, a few other chintzy looking appliances, a marble topped Saarinen dining room table surrounded by four of those great looking but ridiculously uncomfortable Philippe Starck ghost chairs. Have any of the children ever tried to sit their fat asses down on one of those chairs? We have, and the seat is so narrow that even whisper thin model Kate Moss’ teeny tiny toosh would spill over the edge of the damn thing.
Upstairs, Miss Jagger’s two gurl children, who have reportedly begun to cut quite a rug on the London party scene even though they’ve barely received their womanly gifts, each have their own room that shares the above mentioned mirrored bathroom. Now hunnies, pleez, what teenage gurl wants to be showering, shaving, pooping and primping in a bathroom where they can’t help but see every unflattering angle of themselves? That’s right, no teenage gurls we know.
Miss Jagger has created quite a master suite for herself which includes a colossal king sized bed, walls covered in grass cloth, a naughty black crystal chandelier, a walk in closet and a bathroom that is both larger than either of her children’s bedrooms and features a gold plated stripper pole smack in the middle of the room. In. The. Middle. Of. The. Damn. Room. As if that were not tacky enough someone has seen fit to place a pair of white chairs so that Miss Jagger’s stripping spectators can sit back and enjoy the show. Klassy.
The entirely uninviting and not particularly private rear garden has a large tiled terrace, a patch of lawn for the pooches and some pretty paltry landscaping around the perimeter.
Now that Miss Jagger has lately become deeply involved in designing and developing slick and sleek apartments buildings in New York City, could it be that she’s selling house so that she can uproot her family to live across the pond? Or perhaps she’s headed back to her converted barn on Ibiza? Your Mama hasn’t a clue, but we do know that wherever the glammy gal lands, she’s sure to make a serious splash on the beau monde social circuit and will likely do up her house like a damn night club. But what else should we expect from a boho babe who had Andy Warhol for a baby sitter?