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<a></a>Mike and Joe double-team the Golden Globes

Globe 5:45 (Mike) Tap, tap, tap, this thing on? Are we really sitting in our jammies, watching this “Golden Globes Announcement,” rather than partying at the Beverly Hilton?! Who can I thank for this?

5:49 (Joe) In a word, greed.

5:51 (Mike) Now they’re calling it the “Golden Globes Winner Special.” They’re also running a ticker on the bottom right hand screen on “Dateline,” counting down to the Golden Globes. Oh, if those viewers only knew! Heh heh heh.

5:56 (Joe) I’m watching the KNBC feed, so no Dateline ticker. I love that NBC is trying to build up the drama! If this thing does more than a 2 demo rating, it’ll prove once and for all that Nielsen is fatally flawed. Unless you’re in the biz, WHO CARES?

TV Guide Network’s build-up is even lamer. Five talking heads with absolutely nothing to say. Bravo to Ted Harbert for sticking with Snoop on E! Fo shizzle!

5:59 (Mike) In honor of Chris Harrison: Coming up, the most SHOCKING TV Guide Network program yet… SHOCKING because it’s so terrible.

6:00 (Joe) Hmm…in LA, KNBC has NBC Nightly News as the lead-in. And the last story of the night– it’s all about the strike killing the Globes. Will it kill the Oscars next, NBC asks? Who the heck is attorney Jonathan Handel? Doesn’t NBC know that journalists like us are the only “analysts” who should be quotes in stories about the strike? Sheesh! Oh wait…here’s our boss, Tim Gray! “If you strike the Oscars, that’s like slapping the Pope!” Have I mentioned how smart Tim is?

6:01 (Mike) “Recorded from an earlier live broadcast” on KNBC – uh, this is live, right? Meanwhile, they’re live from Ellen Page’s home town. Whoo –hoo, screw you, celebrities!

6:02 (Joe) HA! TV Guide Network opens with shots of a limo-less BevHilton… Live! It’s the annual Golden Globes Announcement! Oy vey. At least E! goes low-key. NBC is over the top…COLDPLAY!

6:03 (Mike) Golden Globe for cheesiest hair: Billy Bush’s mullet.

6:03 (Joe) And holy crap! NBC is still on its open– they just missed an award. HFPA to NBC: Drop Dead!

6:04 (Mike) Wait, is NBC not actually carrying the press conference?

6:04 (Joe) This. Is. So. Lame.

6:05 (Mike) NBC: We’ll show them! Nanny-nanny-boo-boo!

6:05 (Joe) HA! NBC to HFPA– Screw you, too! We’re gonna tape delay it and use our own team. This is awesome!

6:06 (Mike) So awesome! They’re having to stretch and wait until after the HFPA announces, then announce it themselves. Which to watch? The train wreck press conference, or NBC’s train wreck of a fake press conference?

6:09 (Mike) Ha, we’re not even talking about the winners, it’s all so surreal. Go Glenn Close!

6:13 (Mike) NBC goes to commercials. The 12 people watching E! and TV Guide find out that Queen Latifah won something first. E’s Giuliana dePandi: “I do support the WGA, and next year I hope is different that this year.” Uh, aren’t you a journalist? Huh?

6:14 (Joe) E’s Julianna is rambling. She supports the WGA. Nice to be objective there, Julianna. Or Guiliana. Whatever.

6:19 (Joe) TV Guide Network coverage– brought to you by JELLO. Cuz there’s always room for lame press conferences.

6:19 (Mike) Wow, “Extras” wins best comedy. Great show… but it won’t have much impact, since Ricky Gervais & co. have already said farewell. Meanwhile, Extra’s Dayna Devon says something about getting ET, Extra, blah blah blah together, and how the HFPA’s Jorge should be negotiating the contract as a result. She doesn’t mention E!, which is there, or “Access Hollywood,” which isn’t. Dayna, where’s the Sugar Ray guy?

6:19 (Joe) And then Dayna Devon kisses the butt of the HFPA’s topper. Gag.

6:20 (Joe) Tina Fey wins! Yes!

6:23 (Mike) Someone shut up Dayna Devon, please. OK, here comes Mary Hart to add some class, right? Oh lawrdy, Mary’s excited. Over at NBC, they’re promoting the reveal of the best comedy winner. Ha ha, E! viewers already know.

6:23 (Joe) Looks like Mary Hart gets to present the biggest awards. Of course. No way she’s doing best animated feature.

6:24 (Mike) Watching this live press conference, and I gotta say, even Byron Allen’s 4 a.m. shows have better production values.

6:25 (Mike) Mary makes a funny.

6:28 (Joe) Mad Men just won best drama. Jaws drop all over Hollywood.

6:28 (Mike) Wow – “Mad Men” for best drama! AMC’s having a good year. Too bad so few have seen either of TV’s top winners. They always say the Globes don’t have much impact on TV… this year is doubly true.

6:29 (Mike) Jorge Camara’s moustache awards the best dramatic movie. On NBC, a Quilted Northern commercial.

6:34 (Joe) Looks like E! decided to take a page from NBC’s playbook. Instead of letting Jorge announce the best picture, they cut to Ryan Seacrest. He asks an E! talking head for his verdict…and then reveals the winner himself.

Over on TVGN, “Bachelor” boy Chris labels the whole thing “awkward.” For once, he’s right.

6:34 (Mike) Wow, these movies look pretty good. You say they’re playing at a theatre near me? Jorge awards it to “Atonement.” “Rest assured, next year the Golden Globe awards will be back bigger and better than ever.” That’s it? (And Jorge assumes Hollywood won’t still be striking)

Chris Harrison on TV Guide Network sums it up: “You knew there was no way to succeed, and they didn’t.” Chris’ co-anchor: “Wow, that was boring!” Tell us what you really think, TVGN! I’m suddenly starting to like them.

6:36 (Mike) “Ohmigod, this was the most bizarre Golden Globes ever,” the TVGN woman in the green dress said.

Digging the TVGN all the sudden – they’re dissing their counterparts’ ad libbing! They’re also dissing winner “Atonement.” Liking them more all the time.

6:36 (Joe) Somebody’s looking for a gig as a commentator on TV Guide Network….

6:37 (Joe) E! is already on commercials. That was quick. Over on TV Guide Network, two unknowns are prattling on. “Writers, please come back!” Lots of nervous laughter. Oy vey.

6:38 (Mike) “Chris, Maria, you all happy there in the studio? The green dress lady throws back to the TVGN studio.
“No, not at all,” Chris replies.
Chris Harrison rocks!

6:55 (Mike) The “Access Hollywood” team on NBC ask for each other’s predictions for best drama. (Uh, don’t they already know?!) They predict it’s between “Atonement” and “No Country For Old Men.” Safe bet when you ACTUALLY KNOW THE WINNER!

6:59 (Mike) And “Golden Globes: Access Hollywood Edition” ends right on time! Go figure!

6:59 (Joe) Wait, you kept watching the “Access Hollywood Globes”? That’s dedication.

7:00 (Mike) Let’s watch again at 9!

— Mike Schneider and Joe Adalian