The Abbreviated House of Carnie Wilson

SELLER: Carnie Wilson and Rob Bonfiglio
LOCATION: Shirley Avenue, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $2,249,000 (reduced from $2,325,000)
SIZE: 4,491 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Celebrity owned breathtaking oasis S/ of Bl. Quiet pceful nghbrhd. Walled/gtd w/ cir dr. Lg frnt yd. Trd 1 sty rnch. 5 bd-5ba-4fp, crn mldngsrcsd lgts. Plnt shutrs, hdw/travr flrs, surrnd sound. Fr. Drs, alrm sys. Lg cooks kit w ss appls, grnt, mpl cbnets, skylghts, wlk n pntry. Eat n kit, frml dr, lr w/ vltd bm clgs & nu cstm wndo bnch. Dn w/ 15 vltd clgs, extsv chry wd bltns. Look 2 mssv pklike yd w/ pl. Nu 1300 sf redwd deck, detchd bonus rm, mbdrm ste w/ fr drs, fp & lg wk n clst. Spa tub & h/h snks.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Carnie Wilson, the daughter of Beach Boy Brian Wilson used to have a career singing saccharine pop songs with her sister and childhood pal in Wilson Philips. Then she had a feel good talk show for about as long as it takes to heat up a pop tart. Then she got skinny with some sort of surgical procedure. Now she writes self help and cook books based on her experience as a fat and depressed woman. She’s married to session and touring musician Rob Bonfiglio who also plays the guitar in a little known band called The Skies of America.

All due respect to these two hardworking E-list celebrities, but we find them immensely uninteresting and Your Mama can barely muster the energy required to discuss their traditional and shockingly uninteresting Tarzana home. Property records reveal that the couple bought the 4,491 square foot South of Ventura Boulevard house back in January of 2004 for $1,510,000, and despite having put in a “nu cstm wndo bnch” and “Nu 1300 sf redwd deck,” they have recently put their 5 bedroom and 5 bathroom single story suburban sprawler on the market for $2,249,000.

Your Mama freely acknowledges that the Wilson/Bonfiglio home does have a few nice features such as the vaulted beamed wood ceilings in the living and family rooms, the skylight in the kitchen, and the large deck at the back of the house. However, we would like to suggest that in the future Miz Wilson not rely on her own paltry interior design skills to decorate and furnish her future home(s). Fake greenery atop the kitchen cabinets? Hunny, no. That big brown leather sectional sofa? Well that just makes Your Mama’s heart ache. No, it’s not all bad inside. Really, it’s not. But Miz Formerly Fat could use the hand and eyes of an expert to assist her in purchasing properly proportioned rugs, how to mix and match patterns effectively, and how to successfully resist placing family photos and depressing decorative plates on top of tall armoires. Because dear, hunny, nobody but professional basketball players can see up there.

Most people East of Pasadena had prolly never heard of Tarzana until the stereotypically suburban San Fernando Valley town was launched into the stratosphere of world-wide gossip when the terrifically troubled mommy Britney Spears shaved her damn dingbat head at some random hair salon in Tarzana. Other celebrity and quasi-celebrity residents of Tarzana include Brit’s ex Kevin Federline, lady killer Wilmer Valderama, Jaime Pressly and porn star Crystal Ray who has performed in such cinematic wonders as Camel Toe Jockeys and Anal Bandits 4.

One last thing. Your Mama really tries to keep off the back of real estate agents, there are more than enough people who just love to vilify and slander them. But we are mortified with the excessive abbreviation used in the description of this property. Certainly only the most hard core real estate freakos will be able to make sense of that hieroglyphic like chicken scratch, and in this increasingly difficult real estate market Your Mama recommends less abbreviation and more complete sentences. Just a thought.

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