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Mariska Hargitay Double Whammy (New York City)

SELLER: Mariska Hargitay and Peter Hermann
LOCATION: Beach Street, Tribeca, New York City
PRICE: $6,495,000 (maintenance and taxes / $3330 per month)
SIZE: 2,500 square feet (approx.), 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The penthouse is a spectacular duplex with terrace designed by renowned interior decorator Jeffry Bilhuber. This home has a loft-life feeling with over nine feet ceiling heights, with spectacular chef’s kitchen (all stainless steel Viking appliances) opening into a formal dining room and living room. In addition there are 3 full bedrooms, home office, laundry room, and 2.5 large bathrooms. The apartment has spectacular views of the city from floor to ceiling windows facing south and west. Completely unique in Manhattan, this penthouse has its own private garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In our last posting we discussed the Los Angeles residence of Miss Mariska Hargitay and her huzband Pulchritudinous Peter Hermann. For those of you who did not read that post we have two things to say: 1. Shame on you. And 2. You can read all about that house as well as a bit about Miss Mariska’s Hollywood blood line by clicking here.

Now, back in New York, Your Mama is pleased to see this couple went out and hired a top notch decorator (Jeffrey Bilhuber) to do up their Tribeca penthouse. After suffering through the rather dull decor of their Los Angeles home, we were pleasantly surprised at the elegance and comfort of their New York penthouse apartment.

Being very security conscious, we welcome the key-lock elevator opening directly into the apartment. This situation ensures there are no worries about creepy and chatty neighbors lurking about in a common hallway. There is nothing worse than having to make impossibly banal conversation about the weather with your boring neighbor or having to fret about them knocking on your door asking to borrow your vacuum. Next we move through the narrow hallway, or the “gallery” as the listing agent has indicated on the floor plan, and we arrive at the main living space.

At 48 feet, the living room/dining room combination is nearly long enough for a bowling lane. But the rather narrow width concerns Your Mama, especially given the somewhat awkward location of the fireplace. A skinny room like this can easily feel claustrophobic, even with the huge windows. However, we would like to give Mr. Bilhuber and his team their props for an exceptional job with the furniture placement. Also, eggplant is a color we would usually forbid using, but up against that amazing sea foam colored rug in the living room we stand corrected.

We imagine the wonderfully large windows grab tremendous light. What our readers won’t know unless they are familiar with the building, is that no other buildings obstruct the sight lines from this building and every window of this 7th floor penthouse has nice long views. Obviously this set up is also good for privacy.

All the children who read our little blog on a regular basis know Your Mama is not particularly fond of wide open “loft” style apartments. We hate looking at dirty dishes when we’re parked on the sofa channel surfing. And even more distressing, we hate seeing the Dr. Cooter parked on the sofa channel surfing while Your Mama toils away in the kitchen. The “U” shape plan on Miss Mariska’s penthouse cleverly breaks up sight lines and allows for a desirable visual separation of space.

The floor plan shows a fairly small second bedroom, but given that the room has it’s own private pooper, we can forgive the size. The master bedroom, at the back of the penthouse, has a lovely little foyer, a huge walk in closet divided into two sections, and a nice bathroom. The floor plan does not show a terlit up in there, but we’re sure that’s just an oversight. Our real concern with the master bath is the same we have for all the bathrooms in this penthouse: mold. We’re sure Miss Mariska has her housekeeper scrub each of those bathrooms until her knuckles bleed and her knees are bruised, but we always feel more relaxed in a bathroom that is ventilated with a window or two.

We admire that Mr. Bilhuber managed to squeeze in a small office space behind the kitchen. But we are concerned that once you get the maid up in there doing the laundry, there isn’t enough room or privacy to make the space as useful as we might want. Certainly Pulchritudinous Peter won’t be looking at much porn in this room when the maid is around.

Up the stairs and out a (hopefully) heavily secured door sits a large private roof terrace. The Brown Harris Stevens listing shows the terrace at 812 square feet and the floor plan shows it at 1,475 square feet. Math is not our subject, but Your Mama’s rudimentary calculations have us believing the number shown on the floor plan. Everyone knows that ordinarily Your Mama swoons over roof terraces like this. However we are extremely uneasy about the air quality up on this terrace. See babies, this building is located right on the very busy traffic circle that is frequently clogged with bumper to bumper traffic as it exits the Holland Tunnel.

Additionally we are troubled by the amount of noise. We know for a fact all those terrible drivers from New Jersey come barreling through that tunnel and before they even get up in this traffic circle they are laid up on their horns making enough noice to wake the dead in China. Your Mama’s opninon is these damn fools think that just because they have drove their shiny Lexus into Manhattan they are entitled to tear around like they’re still in suburban New Jersey.

We don’t want to get any bitchy emails from you people about this neither. If you are from New Jersey, and you drive into Manhattan, you should expect the traffic snarls. Contrary to how they are most often used, horns are not for expressing displeasure. If you do not have the fortitude and patience for the traffic in Manhattan, well then hunnies, ride the damn bus or take that PATH train thing.

We imagine the reason Miss Mariska and Pulchritudinous Peter are moving house is not just because they want more square footage–which we know they do–but because the nanny can not get that child to sleep at any time of the day or night due to the traffic noise.

Now that we got our blood pressure up, you can see why this apartment is not for Your Mama. If we lived here we are sure we would be so disturbed by the blaring and racket we would quickly lose our mind and the Dr. Cooter would come home one day to find us using a slingshot to hurl rotten eggs down the cars.

Sources: Brown Harris Stevens

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