SELLER: Kylie Bax
LOCATION: Kirkwood Drive, Los Angeles, CA
SIZE: 2,530 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gorgeous Mediterranean home completely remodeled in 2002. Nestled in the hills, this private celebrity owned home features: celebrity height fencing for privacy, surveillance camera at front gate, attached 2 care garage, granite counters, stainless steel appliances, hardwood floors, and tumbled marble baths. The kitchen has a center island and nook with water feature outside, large living room, upstairs bonus/media room, and large master suite with walk-in, large bath w/ shower/spa tub and large deck.
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Good grief, Your Mama is getting tired of looking at ugly damn houses and we know the children are too. But we got to discuss what we got to discuss, and this morning it is the poorly decorated Hollywood Hills house of catwalker Kylie Bax.
The super slim hipped Kylie was just another pritty gurl from New Zealand until the strange and fabulous Miss Karl Lagerfeld got his gloved hands on her, and transformed her into a short haired, bleached blond wunderkind moe-dell who strutted her tall and sexy stuff down all the best high fashion runways and had her pictures done by all the best photographers. Suffice to say that Miss Bax was a somewhat androgynous phenom back in her salad days as a mannequin.
More recently, the big breasted and sports loving Kiwi has stripped down for the pages of Sports Illustrated and stripped even farther down for the pages of Playboy, thus turning herself from the envy of fat gurls everywhere into the masturbation fantasy of countless mens who had never seen a Vogue or Harper’s Bazaar magazine. And of course, like so many photogenic ladees, she’s also been trying to make it as an ack–tur-us in Hollywood.
Your Mama has never even heard of the films Miss Bax has been featured, but whatever the case, she has been living up in the Hollywood Hills in this house which property records indicate she purchased in March of 2004 for $1,250,000. Conveniently located just up the road from the Laurel Canyon Country Store, where untold numbers of Laurel Canyon dwelling celebs buy their milk and cookies, Miss Bax’s somewhat Mediterranean style house measures 2,530 square feet with three bedrooms and four bathrooms.
There are a few features of this hillside home that Your Mama appreciates quite a bit. We can always get behind an attached two car garage to keep the BMWs from getting banged up on the street, and that third floor covered terrace looks like an excellent spot for Miss Bax to relax and read scripts and for Your Mama to work the crossword puzzles.
Inside we find a renovated house with shiny wood floors to reflect what appears to be very little natural light. The kitchen looks all cherry wood, stainless steel and black granite, which is certainly luxurious, but not exactly interesting anymore since that every Tom, Dick and Sally with a few extra bucks to spare drops black granite down on their kitchen cabinets.
It’s not really the house itself that Your Mama objects. It’s the unimaginative and uninspired interiors. We understand that Miss Bax is now married with a couple of kids, but that does not mean the living room needs to look like some sort of room for wayward and unwanted furniture. Honestly people, what’s with that monster television screen, the bean bag in the corner, and the obviously too small Persian rug that looks like it was bought on sale and in a moment of desperation? And the overhead light fixture? Ack! Kylie hunny, you are a model and know all about good lighting, so go out and get a table lamp or two. Overhead lighting like that is a disaster. Imagine how Miss Lagerfeld would recoil at walking into the living room sneering, “You want me to sit…herrrre? Under that light thing in the ceiling?”
Now children, we know that not every “celebrity” has the income or the inclination to hire a nice gay decorator to work their house. But surely Kylie has come in contact with a stylish homosexual or two in the fashion bizness who would be more than happy to give her a few pointers. If not, well then, Miss Bax, give Your Mama a shout and we’ll hook you up with someone we know who can whip that place into shape for $5,000 or less.