OWNER: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
LOCATION: Old Montauk Highway, Amagansett, NY
PRICE: $5,400,000
SIZE: 6,800 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms

Gwyneth Paltrow really has it all doesn’t she? a Hollywood pedigree, a sexy rock star huzband, two children with clever names, an Oscar, paychecks that soar to $10,000,000 per movie, and several high priced houses filled with all the “right” contemporary design and walls full of art by famous arteests. Da-yum.

For years the flaxen haired actress spent summers shacked up with her godfather Steven Spielberg at his East Hampton estate near Georgica Pond. In fact, she and her Coldplay front man huzband Chris Martin were hitched on the property. But once the young couple started pushing out babies, it was time for a Hamptons home of their own. So Gwynnie and Chris went a house hunting.

During the Summer of 2006, according to Mister Braden Keil at the New York Post, the young and oh so fabulous couple settled on a 6,800 square foot house on 2.25 acres on Old Montauk Highway in sleepy Amagansett. Mister Keil reveals that the couple paid $5,400,000 for the 5 bedroom 7.5 bathroom house that includes nanny quarters (natch), ocean views and a large swimming pool. Mister Keil later wrote that over this last summer, Gwynnie and her huzband had the neighbors fuming when they erected a very tall cedar wall around the property. They have also, according to Keil’s sources, added a very high-tech security system, so don’t any of you knuckle heads get the not very wise idea to hop in your hoopdies and head out to the Hamptons thinking you’re going to get a glimpse of Gwynnie in her designer leotard doing yoga and pilates in her newly constructed exercise studio. You’ll never get past the gate, and if you did, the East Hampton popo will have you in handcuffs before you even step on to the gravel driveway.

Anyhoo, Miss Paltrow, who was lambasted in the American press for publicly saying, and later denying, that she preferred to live in London because the British are “more intelligent and civilized than Americans,” opened her Hamptons digs to the photographers for the recent issue of House & Garden (H&G) magazine. This can only mean one thing…she’ll be selling the place soon. Children, we have no inside information about Miss Paltrow or any scientific proof, but it is Your Mama’s theory that an a-list celeb who has the interior of his or her house extensively photographed for a big glossy interior design magazine is gearing up to sell it. Just a theory, kids, so don’t go telling every moron that Gwynnie is selling her Hamptons house, because it’s just a theory.

There’s Gwynnie in the first photo from H&G, looking radiant in her Marc Jacobs dress and smiling like a Cheshire cat, no doubt a semi-conscious effort to put to rest her ice princess reputation. Behind her hang a pair of Warhols, presumably silkscreens, presumably very expensive. In the living room we find a pair of sofas covered in the palest of blue fabric and a trio of excellent photographs above the apparently never been used fireplace. In the foyer, where the stylist has stylishly left a pair of Mister Martin’s black high top Converse sneakers, the couple have brought a little bit of London to the Hamptons with a large needlepoint artwork depicting the Crown jewels by artist Ann Carrington, who often uses refuse and detritus as her materials.

Although the overall feel of the house is a bit more feminine in style than Your Mama prefers, and it’s all just a little too unruffled and perfect for our taste, we are digging the stair hall with it’s classic cottage architecture juxtaposed against a magnificent “chandelier” created from a trio of gorgeous silver orbs by Tom Dixon. Naturally Miss Gwyneth has used wallpaper extensively throughout the house, because like Gwynnie herself, wall coverings are very on top of things design- and fashion-wise. Your Mama appreciates the $22,500 Tord Boontje chandelier made with Swarovski crystals, but we don’t think a mostly pink dining room would stimulate our appetite. Does anyone really eat in this room?

Into the kitchen and we find the courageous choice to paint the cabinetry with a flat charcoal-colored paint. A decision that could have gone remarkably wrong, but instead works beautifully to anchor the light and airy space. It is Your Mama’s humble opinion that the two white chandeliers push the space into feeling over designed, but generally speaking, we’re digging this large and well laid out kitchen.

Oh look, there’s Gwynnie now, ankle deep in her heated swimming pool with her cute little pool house behind her. Can’t you just see Gwynnie in an obscenely expensive bikini sitting in the shade of the pool house in order to keep her alabaster skin, well, alabaster. The lower two photos show the new yoga and pilates studio, which Miz Paltrow admits is an extravagance, but also claims to use every day the family is in residence, justifying it’s expense and folly. Judging from Miz Paltrow’s lithe and supple bahdee, we think she’s probably telling the truth about her daily workout routine.

In London, the family shacks up in a swank and rumored to be haunted Belsize Park mansion they bought in 2004 for a reported $5,700,000 from fellow celebrity couple Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes. Because one mansion apparently isn’t enough for the family of four, the exceedingly rich celebs purchased the mansion next door so they would have more space.

The couple has also been on a selling and buying spree in New York City. In June 2007, the couple made a killing when they unloaded their 8,442 square foot TriBeCa condo for $13,650,000. See children, they paid just $7,950,000 for the Annabelle Selldorf designed five floor townhouse-like penthouse just two years earlier. How many times has Your Mama told the children that one of the many ways rich celebrities get even richer is buying ridiculously expensive real estate and selling it on at exorbitant profits?

The Paltrow/Martin clan is not homeless in New York City. Oh no babies, In March of 2007, before the couple sold off the tremendous TriBeCa condo mentioned above, the peripatetic couple spent $5,100,000 to purchase a much more modestly sized 3,892 square foot penthouse at the newly built River Lofts, also in TriBeCa. The three bedroom 3.5 bathroom penthouse may not have a roof top pool and three laundry rooms like their previous digs did, but it still has a couple of terraces and loads of closet space in the master bedroom for all of Gwynnie’s designer duds.

Miz Paltrow must be a master multi-tasker. Between making movies, raising babies and doting on her huzband, where does Miz Paltrow, a self described encyclopedia of design who claims she’s very hands on with the design and decor of her homes, find the time to select guest bathroom towels and patio furniture for all three of of her new and new-ish homes? Do we really believe she doesn’t have a small army of nice gay decorators?

Your Mama’s head is spinning with all the real estate doings of Miz Paltrow and Mister Martin, so we’re going to head out into the fresh air with our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly for a short stroll to help clear our head and steady our frazzled mind.

Sources: Eric Cahan (photos)