SELLER: Damien Wayans
LOCATION: Caverna Drive, Los Angeles, CA
SIZE: 3,617 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exquisite newly renovated 5 bed, 4.5 bath in LAs hottest location. Mediterranean style villa with beautiful views from every room. Stainless steel appliances, new roof, granite counter tops, Venetian plaster throughout, high ceilings, beautiful stained espresso wood floors, and the only pool and Jacuzzi in the area!! An entertainers dream due to open spaces, loads of natural light, and impeccable accents throughout. Must see to believe.
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We are prolly going to get lambasted and hung up by our toenails for saying this out loud, but Your Mama thinks of the the Wayans family as the black version of the Baldwin brothers…or maybe the Baldwin brothers are the white version of the Wayans family? Whatever the case, there are so many Wayans‘ that are rich and successful celebrities that Your Mama can hardly keep them all straight in our befuddled mind.
Damien Wayans, the owner of this Hollywood Hills house, is the nephew of a whole slew of Wayans‘ including Dwayne, Keenen Ivory, Kim, Marlon, and Shawn. Our mister Damien Wayans, who seems to prefer to keep his age and birth date a bit of a secret, is a jack of all Hollywood trades having wrote and directed several episodes of uncle Damon’s show My Wife and Kids, as well as appearing in several films and television programs including House M.D., Little Man, and Malibu’s Most Wanted with funny man Jamie Kennedy.
Children, this is one of those awful mullet houses: short and all bizness in the front and tall and party-like in the back. Drive up to this house and it appears to be a modest quasi Mediterranean style one story residence. Step through the door and you realize it’s three–count them, one, two, three–long flights of stairs down to the damn swimming pool through this house that clings to the side of the mountain like it knows an earthquake is on its way.
Since Your Mama has never actually been inside this house, we can not tell you very accurately how the place is laid out, but suffice to say that there are rooms spread up and down three levels of living space, and that does not even count the pool deck which is on an additional fourth level all of it’s own. Lawhd children, this house was clearly built for one of those all too common and too tan Los Angeles exercise nuts who thinks it’s cute and useful to work the glutes while climbing stairs to get from one room to the next. Please. Your Mama does not need to get our heart rate up just because we are in the living room watching the deliciously disturbing Wife Swap and get a hankering for hunk of cheese located in the kitchen that is one flight up. Or down.
The public rooms are certainly adequate and even a wee bit dramatic with the dark floors, high ceilings and difficult to clean windows. The kitchen appears to have been recently renovated in a somewhat upscale but ordinary fashion. Nothing to complain about, but nothing to write about either.
The swimming pool and spa are indeed a lovely feature that, as the listing notes, are rare in this part of the hills. Your Mama would prefer the house and pool deck face the other direction with a view towards the ocean and the modest downtown Los Angeles skyline, but we imagine it might still be relaxing to sit poolside while Esmerelda the Miracle Worker performs one of her intensely fulfilling Mani-Pedis while we gaze out over the San Fernando Valley sipping a very stiff gin and tonic (lots of lime, please).
Now let’s move on to the bathroom, the most significant and upsetting issue we note in the photographs. Children, we’re just going to say it because we know you are already thinking it… this beige tiled bathroom looks like it belongs in some filthy and tawdry gay bathhouse in Kansas City. Your Mama does not mean to infer or even suggest anything about Mister Wayans sexual preference, ’cause we don’t know anything about it. We are just saying that this wet room would make a coupla greased up and closeted married men traveling on bizness beside themselves with glee.
Property records reveal that Mister Damien Wayans purchased this property in August of 2005 for $1,350,000 which means that after he deducts the renovation costs and real estate fees he just might pocket a few hundred thousand clams for his troubles.
Your Mama hears from someone who would know that this house was recently toured at by boy band bad boy Nick Carter. Is five bedrooms enough to house his half dozen unruly and hostile siblings? If that horror show House of Carters is any evidence, Your Mama thinks not.
Anyhoo, a little birdie tells us that Mister Damien Wayans is selling off his Valley view house because he’s picking up, packing up and heading to New York City. We have not been able to confirm that with any of this people, so please children, don’t repeat that like you heard it on Entertainment Tonight.
P.S. Children, it is DAMIEN. Damien Dante Wayans to be exact. There is, of course, a Damon, who is DAMIEN’s cuzzin. I know it’s confusing, but just google his damn name.