SELLER: Catherine Bell
LOCATION. Garrett Court, Calabasas, CA
PRICE: $2,895,000
SIZE: 5,676 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Tuscan one-story in gated Mureau Estates on acre+ lot with huge flat lawns and serene mountain views. Moto court to domed entry and huge living room with beamed ceilings and hardwood floors overlooking verdant gardens. Huge master suite with walk ins plus 4 additional bedrooms with ensuite baths. Grand kitchen with stainless appliances and all the best! Complete “smart house” audio, video and lighting controls plus home theatre with electronic reclining seats.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Having earlier discussed celebrity Scientologists Beck and Marissa Ribisi’s new Hancock Park house, Your Mama continues the theme with a discussion of the Calabasas casa of another celebrity Scientology couple, hot to trot actress Catherine Bell (Army Wives, JAG) and her huzband Adam Beason, a former stunt man who is currently “working in computers,” whatever that means.

Property records show that the couple purchased their newly constructed 5,676 square foot “Tuscan” style house in May of 2005 for $2,580,000. Which means that at it’s current asking price of $2,895,000, the hard bodied Ms. Bell and her computer savvy spouse will barely clear enough cash to pay a respectable mover to pack up and move their crap to another high end cookie cutter suburban dream house.

Located in a small gated enclave of 11 like-minded homes just outside the guard gated celebrity laden community of Hidden Hills, the single story house has five bedrooms, half a dozen bathrooms, a four car garage, a fancy kitchen with all the bells and whistles, a screening room, and no damn pool. No pool? What? People should be arrested and given a beat down for not putting swimming pools in the vast backyards of all these multi-million dollar mini mansions out in the blistering heat of the western suburbs. Three million clams for a house and you gotta use the public pool? Your Mama thinks not.

Even more troublesome about this property than the almost unforgivable lack of a swimming pool, is the location just outside the glittering gates of Hidden Hills. Your Mama feels deep in our prodigious gut that this house has a 2,000 square foot inferiority complex, and if this poor house could talk it would say, “I wish I could be an equestrian estate in fancy pants Hidden Hills like former teen idol Shaun Cassidy’s 7 bedroom ranchette just below.” But alas.

It goes without saying that Your Mama does not care for the faux Tuscan exterior extravaganza. We are also non-plussed by the interior spaces where it appears Miz Bell attempted (unsuccessfully) to act as her own nice gay decorator. The Bell/Beason place is not without some successes: We like the leather bar stools in the kitchen, that curved banquet in the breakfast area is entertaining (except for that hideous orange poof thing), the breakfast table itself has a pleasant organic quality, and the screening room works better than some of the tacky messes we often see in the homes of the rich and/or famous. We dig the burnt orange curtains in the living room, and for some strange and inexplicable reason that silly shiny white horse “sculpture” thing in the living room floats our boat.

Otherwise, we’re sorry to say, the place is a bit of a mess. Do we start with the too small and ugly rugs in the master bedroom? How about with the motorcycle parked INSIDE the house despite the 4 car garage? Or do we begin with the flimsy and cheap looking pool table? Or how about the upsetting conversion of the garage into a home gymnasium? Ugh. And then there’s that damn pot rack in the kitchen, which just chaps Your Mama hide. Children, you must learn to resist any and all temptations to hang pot racks in your homes. Please. Just say no!

If Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, this house is more banal than offensive (except for the pot rack, which is just revolting), and we hope that Miz Bell will do herself a favor and hire herself a nice gay decorator to help her pull it all together and spice up her next home. We believe she’s got some good instincts (she does understand the value of putting actual books in the living room, after all), but she needs some honing and guidance to smooth out some of those rough edged and ill advised decorating choices. Listen Cat hunny, if you need some help choosing a decorator, please let Your Mama know and we’ll get you a long list of prospective home beautifiers willing to take on a too expensive suburban tract house.

Now, get Shaun Cassidy on the phone because Your Mama has a serious bone to pick with him.