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Bloom’s Blackness

It has been confirmed puppies. We have received photographic evidence from several sources that show Mister Orlando Bloom did indeed paint his house in the Outpost Estates black. When Your Mama first got wind of this paint job, we were deeply concerned that a few dozen gallons of black paint paired with the blue tile roof would make the whole place would look like a bruise on the landscape. And it sorta does. But it is also brooding, rebellious, and a little unfriendly with a soupçon of sinister, and you know what? We kind of like it. Your Mama thinks it’s just dee-vine for a young actor who would like to mirror both Johnny Depp’s quirky and mysterious persona and his screamingly successful career.

Now Orlando, dolly, let’s discuss that monolithic privacy fence. Your Mama understands you gotta do what you gotta do to maintain a sense of personal space so you can parade around nekkid the way you like to do. But seriously hunny, the damn thing looks like a prison and it’s unclear whether your aim is to keep the world out or you in. Hopefully a little clever landscaping will be able to soften this unpleasant and aggressive fence.

And what’s with the chain link fencing standing in front of the tall black fence? Quite frankly Mister Bloom, all due respect, but it is tacky and hostile to your neighbors for a man of your means to stretch cheap chain link fencing across the public side of your property. Besides, that shit just gives the place a not very elegant “Billy John Joe Curly Junior marries his second cousin in a shotgun wedding” sort of vibe. So you have to know that Your Mama desperately hopes you remove that abomination, if only so that your neighbors won’t think you rude and insensitive to their aesthetic needs.

Source: Pacific Coast News (photos)

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