The following was submitted by management consultant Mark Goulston. No word if he’s putting himself up for the gig.
HELP WANTED: Arbitrator
To arbitrate an irresolvable and unmediatable dispute between two parties in the entertainment industry.
Must possess the following 10 qualities:
* Ability to leap “tall tales” (of exaggerated plights) in a single bound of reason
* More powerful than loco motions by parties who will stop at nothing to get their way
* Faster than quick-witted and even slicker-tongued attorneys
* Able to listen to and for the facts regardless of whatever subterfuge or hyperbole is thrown their way
* Able to walk through the valley of the shadow of doubts and a hailstorm of vindictive aspersions without straying from what is fair and reasonable, equitable and just
* Regardless of the personal slights and attacks he/she witnesses or that are directed at him/her, is able to not take anything personally and remain calm and impartial
* Regardless of how much he/she might dislike one or other of the parties, continues to maintain a clear vision of what are the relevant and important issues vs. distracting irrelevancies
* Capacity to not be provoked or exasperated by extremes of implacable, unmovable and unmoved greed on the one hand and whining, complaining, self-pitying victimhood on the other
* Knowledgable of the actual value of the risk of one party vs. the labor/work product of the other
* The wisdom to come to a resolution that both parties, everyone with a vested interest and all observers will deem as fair and just one day, one week and one year post arbitration
Contact: WGA negotiating committee chief John Bowman or AMPTP president Nick Counter. Mayors with past labor leaning and Governors with past producer biases need not apply.
— Dana Harris