To paraphrase Carlos Santana, Jerry Springer is expected to change his evil ways today and embrace nonviolence on his red-hot syndie talkshow.

Top brass at Studios USA, the distrib of the “Jerry Springer Show,” last month pledged to “eliminate all physical violence” from the show as of today (Daily Variety, May 1). “Springer” has been engulfed in a firestorm of criticism in recent months for what some view as excessive brawling among guests.

For sure, the eyes of Beltway culture warriors and other self-appointed pundits will be on “Springer” today, as watchdogs wait with baited breath for the first fist to connect or chair to fly. Reps for the show were shy about revealing the list of show topics for the first week of the new kinder, gentler “Springer,” but thanks to its popularity and the Internet, it wasn’t too hard for Daily Variety to dig up the goods.

Our pick of the week: “You’re too fat to do porn,” set for Wednesday. Second runner-up is Tuesday’s installment: “You’re a man … dress like one!”