Pirate Tales

So you like pirates, huh? You had better like them an awful lot to make it all the way through "Pirate Tales," which presents us with four hours (in two installments) of throat-cutting, rum-guzzling mayhem on the high seas. That's a long time to spend with a group of men who today would be psychoanalyzed and diagnosed as being "insecure, hostile, with a pronounced persecution complex; likely never bonded with mother." Unfortunately, this "Destination Sunday" entry manages to reduce the lusty stories of the buccaneers to bland history that not even a camp turn by Who lead singer Roger Daltrey can rescue. By the third hour, it's not unlike being stuck on Disneyland's "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride during a mechanical breakdown; yo ho, yo ho, pi-rate mo-not-o-nyyyyyy.

With:
Roger Daltrey, Richard Schumann, Antoinette Brennan, Raphael Alvarado, Kamil Assad, Brett McCarey, Jason Culbreath, Norman Allen, Ron Maciolek, Donald Coleman, Paul Scanion, Abigail Schumann, Leo Gannon, Nino Rogers, Ed Malin, Scott Robbe, Diane Landon, Elizabeth Wigley, Kevin McCarey. Narrator: Chuck Shamata.

The most intriguing factoid to emerge from “Pirate Tales” is that these guys weren’t all bad. In fact, they weren’t all guys. The likes of Sir Francis Drake, Henry Morgan, Captain Kidd, Blackbeard and Grace O’Malley looted and pillaged between the 16th and 18th centuries, sure, but their conquests also helped lead to the establishment of trading companies and shifted the balance of power among the world’s nations.

In other words, they may have been bloodthirsty, lawless goons, but they were evidently also misunderstood social crusaders. The eye patches? Oh, they were just a fashion statement, silly!

Daltrey serves as our very own pirate storyteller, portraying William Dampier, a 17th-century pirate who left behind a detailed journal that makes him something of an Anne Frank of the savage-beast set. He gets to dress in all sorts of pirate get-ups, whip swords and say stuff like, “The pirates were very democratic, with their own Bill of Rights!”

We are led through a virtual who’s who of seagoing murderous rampagers, bolstered by illustrations, voiceovers, running commentary from pirate historians (we can only imagine what social outcasts these folks are) and, of course, the invariable slew of battle reenactments from 1580 onward.

Bottom line: These were not nice people. Henry Morgan and his men would do something they called “wolding,” a form of torture in which they tied a thin cord around a victim’s head and then tightened it until he spilled the beans. They would rape and hang children. After four hours of this, even watching the Pittsburgh Pirates play baseball seems unsavory.

Writer-director Kevin McCarey pulls off an intelligent, densely detailed documentary/dramatization that’s too heavy on the re-creations and more than a bit too long — even spread out over two weeks. Scholarly though this may be, pirates just aren’t that interesting. Besides, if we want to see vigilantes in action that badly, most any convenience store will do.

Pirate Tales

TBS, Sun. Aug. 24, 31, 9 p.m

Production: Filmed in Ontario, Canada; Puerto Rico; the Bahamas; Charleston, S.C.; Williamsburg and Jamestown, Va.; Wilmington, N.C.; and throughout Connecticut by Expanding Television Properties in association with Turner Original Prods. Executive producers, Pat Mitchell, Dr. Thomas Skinner, Karl F. Rosenberger; producers, Dale Bell, Pat Ferns; supervising producer, Tom McMahon; senior producer, Vivian Schiller; writer-director, Kevin McCarey;

Crew: camera, Norris Brock, Gary Eckert, Augustin Cubano, Maris Jansons; editors, Christopher Gosch, Hyman Kaufman, Sibille Torber; art director, William Gilkerson; set designer, Virginia Hildreth; costumes, Kevin Ritter; music, Jack Tillar; casting, Jon Comerford. 4 HOURS.

With: Roger Daltrey, Richard Schumann, Antoinette Brennan, Raphael Alvarado, Kamil Assad, Brett McCarey, Jason Culbreath, Norman Allen, Ron Maciolek, Donald Coleman, Paul Scanion, Abigail Schumann, Leo Gannon, Nino Rogers, Ed Malin, Scott Robbe, Diane Landon, Elizabeth Wigley, Kevin McCarey. Narrator: Chuck Shamata.

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