They can move the BAFTA Awards to the middle of July and you can still assume the evening will be punctuated by meteorological mayhem, precipitative panic, aquatic angst, in a word, rain and to be more precise, pissing down (not “taking the piss” down) rain. As soon as the first soggy star sets foot on the flowing river that was the red carpet, the neatly pressed Armani smoking jackets will be as elegant as a dish rag and by evening’s end, your Jimmy Choos will be used and abused, your Bruno Maglis mashed and moldy.
OUR Awards Show is in English
Attend the BAFTA Awards and you’ll be reaching for your Google Translator. What the heck are “jumpers,” “bun fights,” “chavs,” “knickers,” “crisps,” “brollies,” “tossers,” “windscreens” and “plonk?” What are you to do when someone asks you for a “fag?” Should you call for emergency help when someone complains of being “knackered?” Do you need to back up when someone announces they’re “taking the piss?” Unless you’re British, be prepared for a long, unintelligible evening.
THEIR Host Is an Ex-con,
…..Cambridge Grad and National Treasure
A teenage misadventure in credit card scamland tossed BAFTA host Stephen Fry into the wonderfully named Pucklechurch Prison, but Fry’s life since has proved his genius. He’s a beloved figure on screens of all sizes as well as on newsstands and in bookstores and his abundance of wit, both genial and lethal, makes the evening a pure delight. Even if you’re muttering about the voters’ choices, Fry keeps the show rollicking on, challenging the audience to keep up with the observations of someone whose IQ outshines even the most glittery of the stars’ baubles and bling.
THESE Awards Take Place in a City
It’s called London and like Paris, New York, Rome and a few other places one could name, it’s what the Brits would call a proper city. Which means there’s a center, not a sprawling consortium of sunny suburbs and sometimes people even do that old-fashioned physical routine that is now virtually never seen in Los Angeles, that favorite activity of pre-Bieber bipeds, “walking.” If you find someone who walks to the Oscars this year, please Instagram it and take photographic proof to the Ripley’s on Hollywood Boulevard.
THIS ceremony will have Tom Hanks, Emma Thompson, Kelly Marcel, ‘Wadjda,’ ‘Rush,’ Daniel Bruhl, Oprah Winfrey and the Coen brothers
Are you pissed off (as opposed to “pissed,” “taking the piss” or “standing in pissing down rain” at the omissions of the Oscar voters? Don’t rant or rave, just rev up the Gulfsteam, get the Veuve (not the “plonk”) on ice and jet over to Blighty. Trust me, it’s going to be a jolly good show positively plimming with all your fab faves!