Going into tonight’s episode of “The Bachelorette,” six men remain — Peter, Bryan, Dean, Eric, a man who met Rachel in a penguin costume, and a man who has less personality than his French-speaking doll. We can just skip to next week, right? Four of these men have dominated screen time this season. Of the other two, one is balding, and the other looks like your second cousin from Jersey who never “fulfilled his potential.” We know how this is going to end … right? … right??!
Or maybe (just maybe) this is the highest-stakes episode of the “The Bachelorette” this season. Hang with me. If either Adam or Matt (yes, those are their names) were to make it to next week, it would be completely shocking. How upset would you be if you were Adam or Matt, sitting at home, watching this entire season (you know they watch it) … six, two-hour episodes … seeing yourself get virtually zero screen time, being forced to reckon with the entire internet making fun of how no one even knows your first name, all the while knowing that Rachel literally met your family on national television because you were considering engagement? OK, I promise that’s the last time I will ever ask you to enter the mind of a “Bachelorette” contestant. Moving on.
Rachel enters — she’s “dressed like an angel,” according to Adam, by which he means she’s wearing white — and begins the episode by telling the men that there will be no rose ceremony. Instead, she will go on three one-on-one dates, and one group date. The roses will be handed out (or not) on those dates. And so we begin … with Bryan! (The other men sigh too.)
Rachel and Bryan hop in a Bentley and drive to a watch store. When in Geneva! There, Rachel (ABC) buys Bryan a watch and he pretends that it is the most romantic gesture possible. “This is a forever gift,” Bryan says before turning and winking at the camera as the watch brand logo flashed across the screen. At this point, you should be thankful to be reading this as opposed to watching it on TV because you’re basically just missing a lot of gross, wet, kissing noises. Bryan gets a rose.
Dean gets the next one-on-one, and Rachel takes him to church. “Do you speak French?” Rachel asks Dean. He doesn’t. I honestly looked away for a few minutes for fear of experiencing “Rachel and Nick Go to Church Part 2,” but next thing I know Rachel and Dean are just randomly dancing on some cobblestones, so going to assume it went fine.
It’s going fine, that is, until they start actually speaking to one another. After a handful of giggle-fits, Dean confesses that he’s nervous to bring Rachel into his abnormal family situation. His mom, as we learned on an earlier episode, died. And his dad? “He’s become quite a bit more eccentric.” The whole scene is a lot more weepy than I’m making it sound. Rachel assures him that she understands, and gives him a rose.
The third one-on-one date goes to Peter, leaving Eric and the other two left behind to fight for the final rose. That is, of course, assuming Peter gets one (he does). Great! With that out of the way, this seems like as good a moment as any that to point out that Rachel has never dressed as well as she does in Geneva.
Anyway, back to their date. “I have never actually dated a black woman before,” Peter tells Rachel. But he promises, “My parents support whoever I bring home.” This is sort of picky, but isn’t that second part missing a qualifier or something? He seems to be implying that even the most unsuitable person for him would be accepted by his family. Actually, forget it, we can assume he meant well.
For the final date, Rachel brings the remaining three men to a boat. As she boards the boat, they attempt to help. But there are three of them! And she only has two hands! She somehow makes it onto the boat alive. There, she spends time with each gent. While talking to Matt (the balding one) she suddenly starts to sob. “Of all the people in this entire journey, you remind me the most of myself,” she tells him. I’m sure to many people it was obvious at this point that he was getting the boot, but to me, just for second, I thought she might propose …? It’s funny how those two things can start out sounding similar.
With Matt gone, Eric and Adam were left to fight for a single rose. Despite the last-minute twist that Eric has never brought a woman home before, Rachel still gives him the rose. And, with that, everything makes sense again. This is not to say that the remaining four men are exactly the biggest catches in the sea. But at least we know their names! Until next week.
Could Rachel have actually been *that* heartbroken about sending Matt and Adam home? Is Bryan sending some sort of morse code message with his sloppy kissing noises? Are Dean’s giggles a cry for help? Weigh in below.