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‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Anger-gasms and Storytelling-gasms and Chad-gasms, Oh My!

If you tuned in to “The Bachelorette” this week to watch JoJo, you’re out of luck: This one’s all about the meathead everyone loves to hate, Chad.

Here is a smattering of ways that Chad is described during this episode: “Cartoon character”; “Caveman”; “Douchebag”; “Always doing math.” Okay, so he’s not a simple man, but the reviews are generally negative. Chad’s review of “The Bachelorette”? Also negative: “Too many dudes.”

On this episode there are two one-on-one dates that are padding on either side of the group date to end all group dates. But to enjoy the meat of the sandwich, you need to eat some bread.

Anger-gasm

Bread in the form of Chase, who gets the first one-on-one date with JoJo to do hot yoga with an instructor who was very clearly punking them. Together the couple “anger-gasms” which involves laying on one’s back, thrusting about and screaming. Next, JoJo straddles Chase which leads to a make out session. “As difficult as yoga is, I’m lovin’ it,” Chase declares un-ironically.

Later that night, Charles Kelley becomes the show’s latest victim in a string of unknown bands that the “Bachelor” franchise subjects to serenade a couple that just met. Charles Kelly gets ABC’s publicity (and our pity), but Chase gets a rose.

Sex Talk

On this instantly iconic group date, JoJo takes the guys to a storytelling event where people talk about sexual experiences in front of a live audience. “This is another day in the office for me,” Evan says, lest we forget that he is a professional erectile dysfunction specialist.

The guys each take a turn. Wells flops on his side while making a fart noise, and the camera quickly cuts to the emcee saying, “High marks for Wells and his hysterical threesome story.” Also high marks for editing.

Evan takes shots at Chad during his time onstage, and on his way back to his seat there is an “altercation” between the two, as we are told about a dozen times.

Chad doesn’t want to tell a story, so he calls JoJo to the stage, and tells her that “Today’s not about the past, today is about the future.” He boldly dives in for a smooch and she wisely turns her face to avoid his face. The other men rejoice at the rejection.

Chad punches a door, which leads to the bloody knuckles we kept seeing in the previews (a letdown, as expected). But the overarching battle between Chad and Evan is compelling drama.

Chad tries to flip the narrative — sure, he’s much bigger than Evan, which makes him look like a big old bully. But Evan has been following Chad everywhere, trying to get a rise out of him. “I don’t want to come off like a complete jerk or something,” he says. But “roid rage” or not, Chad’s tender moments with JoJo are clouded by his anger.

Evan gives JoJo an ultimatum: If Chad stays, he goes. But the peen doc’s brilliant plan goes awry when JoJo offers him the rose, and he turns to a puddle of mush. Of course he’ll stay!

Chad, meanwhile, is baffled, and wonders if JoJo giving Evan the rose is a thing that could possibly happen in real life, proving once and for all that he has never seen an episode of reality TV in his life.

Swing and a Miss

James Taylor and JoJo learn how to swing dance, which, from a romantic standpoint is kind of a letdown compared to, you know, hot, anger-gasm yoga. But the two have a great time despite the fact that, what? James has two left feet. How embarrassing!

At this point in the first one-on-one, JoJo was straddling Chase, engaged in a steamy make out. But boy did James and JoJo have fun dancing through the street! This date really re-enforced James’ ‘fun, but not a real contender’ edit, despite the fact that JoJo claims that he’s out of the friend-zone.

Back at the House

In one scene, Daniel validates his staying on this show past episode one’s drunken striptease. Daniel starts to notice that his bromance with Chad isn’t a great look, and, forgoing the straightforward “Hey Chad, maybe stop being so terrible. It’s making me look bad,” goes a more nontraditional route.

“Let’s just pretend you’re Hitler,” Daniel beings. “Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler,” Chad responds. Daniel tries to amend his metaphor by trading the most evil dictator in modern history for a slightly less culturally ubiquitous, but still absolutely vile dictator: “More like Mussolini?” Chad, not having any of it, watches Daniel self-destruct while chomping on a raw sweet potato.

The episode wraps when Evan tattles on Chad to Chris Harrison, who steps in (sort of). Chris takes Chad outside, and gives him a challenge: Go back and solve your own problems. But Chad is livid. He’s not here to play nice. And Evan will pay… tomorrow night.

Is there any hope for Chad? Should the guys feel unsafe? What do you think happens tomorrow?

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