YOUR MAMA’S NOTES: A well-cared for residence conveniently located just above L.A.’s storied Sunset Strip, which online marketing materials describe as an “East Coast Traditional” overlaid with “modern sophistication” and that veteran celebrity real estate snitch Lucy Spillerguts swears is owned by actress JoAnna Garcia Swisher, has come up for sale with an asking price of $2.295 million. A quick consult with property records show that unfortunately for Missus Garcia Swisher — perhaps best known to the T.V. viewing public for her early- to mid-2000s portrayal of a charmingly ditzy teen mom on the heavily syndicated sitcom “Reba” and married since 2010 to 2009 World Series winning professional baseball player Nick Swisher — she purchased the two-story, clapboard-sided residence via trust in August 2006 for $2.395 million. It doesn’t take an advanced degree in mathematics to plainly see that even if her real estate agent pulls in a full price offer the actress is looking at a not insubstantial $100,000 loss on the property, not counting improvement costs and real estate fees.
Listing details show the completely updated 2,750-square-foot house was originally built in the mid-1930s and is currently configured with four bedrooms and three bathrooms. High-gloss, reddish-toned dark brown wood floors provide a tetch of Tinseltown glamour to main floor living and entertaining spaces that include formal living and dining rooms, the former with a fireplace and both with traditional crown moldings and over-sized multi-pane windows. The kitchen, graphically crisp with jet-black solid surface counter tops on snow-white Shaker style cabinets and the usual assemblage of stainless steel appliances, is open to a high-ceiled family room with built-in cabinetry and French doors to a loggia that overlooks the small but grassy and foliage shielded backyard. The master suite privately occupies the entire second floor and encompasses a large bedroom with vaulted ceiling, a fancily fitted and pretty much all-beige bathroom, and a fitted walk-in closet plus a separate, bedroom-sized dressing room with built-in shelves and such. French doors in the master bedroom link to a private, trellis-shaded deck with stairs down to the backyard and steps up to a roof top terrace and gazebo. That’s right, butter beans, there is actually and somewhat bizarrely a gazebo on the roof.
Our research indicates the Garcia Swishers combined property portfolio includes at least two other multi-million dollar residences. In June of 2010, right after they were engaged, property records show Mister Swisher splashed out $2,957,500 for a 7,124-square-foot mock-Med manse with four bedrooms and four full and four half bathrooms on 1.56 acres in a guard-gated development in his Missus Garcia Swisher’s hometown of Tampa, Florida, and a couple of years before he met his missus, the switch-hitting outfielder and first basement, who currently plays for the Atlanta Braves, picked up a 4,122-square-foot penthouse in a luxury condo complex at the western end of Old Town Scottsdale, AZ. As it turns out, Mister Swisher’s Scottsdale penthouse is also listed for sale on the open market for an amount that’s also substantially less than he paid. Even with a full price sale, at its current asking price of $2,049,500, Mister Swisher is looking at a heavy-duty but not likely financially ruinous $237,286 loss, not counting improvements and real estate fees, on the $2,286,786 he paid for house-sized penthouse in October 2008. Online marketing material show the three bedroom and 3.5 bathroom spread has a private elevator landing and long entrance gallery that leads to a sprawling, open-plan living space with media lounge, multiple dining areas, and a kitchen with four-stool snack bar and shimmery stainless steel tile back splash. The penthouse’s several terraces have open mountain views and the condo is equipped with state of the art audio-visual systems and electronically operated window shades. The luxuriously outfitted if unassuming complex provides residents with secured underground parking, a rooftop swimming pool, a private fitness center, and 24-hour room service from the next-door-neighboring mid-century modern Valley Ho Resort.
Listing photos (Los Angeles): The Agency
Listing photos (Scottsdale): Sotheby’s International Realty