Joan Rivers died Thursday, leaving behind a comic legacy that spanned more than 50 years. Her acerbic, biting sense of humor sometimes pushed the buttons of those on the butt end of the jokes, but she was never afraid to make fun of herself, including her infamously numerous plastic surgery procedures.
Over the years, her mother, her romantic partners and her exercise habits all became regular fodder for the comedienne’s jabs, in addition to celebrities like Elizabeth Taylor, Michael Jackson and Liza Minnelli, who all took a few shots from Rivers. It seems she wasn’t much of a fan of the dreariness and drabness of typical funerals, as the one she planned for herself in her 2012 book, “I Hate Everyone … Starting with Me,” is much more festive than the usual all-black affairs.
Here are some favorite quotes from Rivers’ career:
1. “I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
2. “I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
3. “My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.”
4. “I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
5. “I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
6. “My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I’d visit him every day.”
7. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
8. “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
9. “I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
10. “When I die (and yes, Melissa, that day will come; and yes, Melissa, everything’s in your name), I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, action. I want Craft services, I want paparazzi and I want publicists making a scene! I want it to be Hollywood all the way. I don’t want some rabbi rambling on; I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents. I don’t want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing ‘Mr. Lonely.’ I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is blowing just like Beyonce’s.”