10 of Joan Rivers’ Best Quotes

Joan Rivers Writers Guild of America
Michael Kovac/WireImage

Joan Rivers died Thursday, leaving behind a comic legacy that spanned more than 50 years. Her acerbic, biting sense of humor sometimes pushed the buttons of those on the butt end of the jokes, but she was never afraid to make fun of herself, including her infamously numerous plastic surgery procedures.

Over the years, her mother, her romantic partners and her exercise habits all became regular fodder for the comedienne’s jabs, in addition to celebrities like Elizabeth Taylor, Michael Jackson and Liza Minnelli, who all took a few shots from Rivers. It seems she wasn’t much of a fan of the dreariness and drabness of typical funerals, as the one she planned for herself in her 2012 book, “I Hate Everyone … Starting with Me,” is much more festive than the usual all-black affairs.

SEE ALSO: Hollywood Pays Tribute to Joan Rivers: ‘One of a Kind’

Here are some favorite quotes from Rivers’ career:

1. “I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

2. “I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

SEE ALSO: Joan Rivers: Most Memorable Moments in Her Career

3. “My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.”

4. “I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

5. “I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

SEE ALSO: Joan Rivers Remembered: Crass on Stage, Elegant in Private

6. “My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I’d visit him every day.”

7. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

8. “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”

9. “I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

10. “When I die (and yes, Melissa, that day will come; and yes, Melissa, everything’s in your name), I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, action. I want Craft services, I want paparazzi and I want publicists making a scene! I want it to be Hollywood all the way. I don’t want some rabbi rambling on; I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents. I don’t want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing ‘Mr. Lonely.’ I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is blowing just like Beyonce’s.”

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  1. She will always be missed. We are missing so many great actors and people lately.

  2. gary says:

    She’s still making us laugh. What a mind. What a gift.

  3. rich says:

    The broad had class! And I don’t think she would mind my phrasing of that statement, not at all.
    Vaya con dios Joan.
    Rich in New Mexico.

  4. HarborWH01 says:

    Religion is just man’s way of taking advantage of gullible people. Myself, I just subscribe to anything that can be proven. I refuse to have “faith” about anything. By definition, faith is believing in something for which there is inadequate proof of. What a waste of time! There is no proof that subscribing to any religion will give someone eternal life or eternal damnation for that matter. Just follow what can be proven, and use common sense. Reality is not that scary. Fantasizing about some non-reality is dangerous and scary. Only follow what’s real, and avoid churches. The minute you are encouraged to have faith, you should run.

  5. Phil Barber says:

    For half a century female comedians came and went but Joan remained on top. She was the female Rickles in more ways than one except Don was never the undisputed best male stand-up, Joan was the best female stand-up for nearly all of her career. Sharp, vital, irreverent and hilarious into her eighth decade she was not only a role model for stand-ups but seniors as well. Ellen DeGeneres is probably the best around these days but will she play as well at 80? The dance moves might be a challenge. As for Joan, truly a legend.

  6. Tainema says:

    Plastic or no plastic we all die

  7. Debbie says:

    I’ll miss you, Joan!

  8. Glenn C. says:

    Great lines. The great about her and her humor was that she also had jokes about herself. Not just others. It made it better. She knew that. A humbleness about that. GOD rest her soul.

  9. I thought her best quote was that manic rant where she joyfully endorsed the bombing and killing of little kids- as long as they’re non-israeli little kids, of course. How did that get left off the list?

    • Jedi77 says:

      She was still one sick puppy, to say those things, though. Can’t debate that.

    • Glenn C. says:

      She had every right to say whatever. It’s her freedom is speech. Like you are perfect! I doubt that. I hope people bring up the negative about you at YOUR funeral! Probably will be there all day at the funeral talking about it! Till the next day!

      • justluthen says:

        Perhaps your cowardly terrorist buddies in Gaza should stop using those kids as human shields to protect their own sorry lives. Because according to the Geneva Conventions IV, Hamas is responsible for their deaths, not Israel.

  10. Joan Rivers wrote a book about birthday candles a few years back and one of my best friends bought it for me as a birthday present. Joan gave the gift to ‘girls of a certain age’ to laugh often and to not take yourself too seriously. Though she has passed from this world, I still Joan Rivers a survivor. Her fans will understand this statement. Thanks for the memories from a faithful Variety subscriber.

    • deedeemao says:

      “She was still one sick puppy, to say those things, though. Can’t debate that.”

      Yes I can. She was more honest than most people and said whatever she wanted to say. Her job was to say things that provoked thought and made people see the irony in the world and people paid millions of dollars to hear what she had to say for her entire lifetime.

      How much has anyone ever paid to hear what you have to say?

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