Jimmy Kimmel: Zingers From ABC’s Upfront

Jimmy Kimmel’s edgy standup routine is always the highlight of ABC’s upfront presentation. Here’s some of the zingers delivered Tuesday at Lincoln Center’s Avery Fisher Hall.

“My favorite part of the upfront so far has been hearing Paul Lee saying “Black-ish.” Paul saying ‘Black-ish’ is probably the whitest thing I’ve ever heard.”

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“I don’t know what this ‘We’ve been No. 1 for four years’ is. The ABC I work at is not No. 1. We might need to crash on your couch for awhile.”

“If anyone’s in the market for a director with no experience used to a high 7-figure salary who’s used to no one getting in her way, make sure to accept Anne Sweeney’s invitation on Linked In.”

“Our shows are all about superheroes or fairy tales. We may be a terrible network but we’re a great birthday party for 6-year-olds.”

“Having NBC be on top is little like your adult cousin who works at Arby’s suddenly gets a masters degree.”

“You know what you do when you’re No. 1?  You double down and hit ’em with Peter mother#$%^ing Pan. Is Bob running a network or a high school theater camp?”

“NBC has the Olympics through 2032. They think we’ll still have winter by 2032.”

“CBS did not have a good year — they almost didn’t beat us.”

Fox’s “Gotham” is “the show for people who love everything about Batman except Batman.”

Kimmel offers advertisers naming rights to his newborn, calling it “a cervical integration.”

“Paul Lee said bring us your passion, we’ll take off the handcuffs. Sounds like something you’d say to a hooker.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t buy any advertising from anybody. Maybe you should pool your money and buy the Clippers.”

 

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