Father Melts Down After Blowing Week’s

Satire from Hollywood & Swine

A married father of four suffered a frightening meltdown outside an AMC theater in Little Rock, Ark., after learning he already owned a DVD copy of “Jurassic Park,” the newly re-issued 3D film he spent his entire week’s paycheck on last Saturday night. According to a spokesperson for AMC theaters, 48-year-old Troy Peterson, a Jiffy Lube mechanic, spent $84 on two adult and four child 3D tickets, and an additional $284 on popcorn, sodas, and a bag of M&Ms, believing his family was seeing the fourth installment in the “Jurassic Park” franchise.

(From the pages of the April 16 issue of Variety.)

“At first I thought Steven Spielberg was just doing what Todd Phillips did with ‘Hangover 2,’ and making a lazy carbon copy sequel of his hit film,” Peterson told Hollywood & Swine. “But when I saw Jeff Goldblum, I realized it had to be the same movie, because no one has put that guy in a new movie since the ’90s.”

While leaving the theater, Peterson’s behavior took a terrifying turn after his 10-year-old daughter asked if they could go re-watch “Jurassic Park” at home before they went to bed. Peterson began screaming at his wife and kids demanding to know why he wasted every dollar he made on movie tickets, when they already owned “Jurassic Park” on DVD. Before paramedics could arrive, Levitt was tackled and pummeled by several moviegoers who feared he was a madman on the verge of a theater rampage.

An offcial of the Little Rock Police Department said they are looking into whether or not charges should be brought against Peterson after his meltdown Saturday night.

In related news, proceeds from the 3D release of “Jurassic Park” will go to the Michael Crichton Foundation, which will enable graduates of Harvard Medical School to skip becoming doctors in order to become best-selling novelists.

This content was not produced by Variety, but we find it very funny

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