Highlight: While purchasing a classic Joe DiMaggio baseball card as a Christmas present for Jay, Phil is accidentally tazed by Manny into an extended electroshock fit. “Mnt cndition!” he triumphantly burbles, but his trembling claw hand keeps crumpling the card. “Nr mnt cndition! Fr cndition! Grbge.”
Jesse Tyler Ferguson
Highlight: Perfectionist Mitchell can’t believe he’s getting booted from his part-time gig helping out Phil. For two hours he’s stuck in an elevator whose doors are ajar, going more and more berserk as the agency employees scoff. “Someone trapped in there?” “The guy they fired.” “Oh, the lazy guy.” “Why didn’t he take the stairs like everyone else?” “Lazy.”
Highlight: Jess is out for a Valentine’s Day quickie, but wingman Schmidt vetoes her choice of a friendly fellow Oregonian. Speaking with cred obtained after 10,000 hours of practice as per Malcolm Gladwell’s “Outliers”: “If you end up having sex with him, it’s going to be missionary with a lot of eye contact. Look, that is not one-night stand material.”
“Saturday Night Live”
Highlight: Androgynous city correspondent Stefon recommends New York’s hottest club: “Built from the bucket list of a dying pervert, this Battery Park bitch parade is now managed by overweight game show host Fat Sajak. This place has everything: Tweakers! Skeevers! Spud Webb!! A child!!! And a Russian guy who runs on the treadmill in a Cosby sweater. The bouncer is a bulldog who looks like Wilford Brimley, and the password is ‘diabetes.'”
Highlight: When her two daddies are away adopting a baby brother, a distraught little Lily refuses to perform her solo at the school recital unless gruff Grandpa Jay dances with her. “Now, honey, that’s not gonna happen. How about I give you 50 bucks?” Their prancing, leaping pas de deux is captured on videocam.
Highlight: Cameron bets partner Mitchell a month’s worth of laundry he (Cam) can get a hot girl’s phone number in a bar. Announcing the outcome: “Wham, bam, thank you, Cam! And all my shirts get ironed, and all my seams should appear straight. Just like their owner.”