The Swiss Miss Massacre

A train wreck masquerading as popular entertainment, "The Swiss Miss Massacre" is an embarrassing stab at the horror-comedy genre by Switzerland's most successful director, Michael Steiner.

With:
With: Meryl Valerie, Lisa Maria Baerenbold, Patrick Rapold, Mike Mueller, Martin Rapold, Anouschka Renzi, Silvia Medina, Nadine Vinzens, Jennifer Hurschler, Ann Mayer, Lisa Bruehlmann, Alexandra Wagener, Sabrina Meier, Noemi Fernandes, Andrea Vetsch, Bianca Bauer, Sira Topic, Liza Andrea Kuster, Jarreth Merz, Sabina Schneebeli, Michael Neuenschwander, Joel Basman, Rolf Sommer, Peter Jecklin, Max Loong, Samuel Welter. (Swiss-German dialogue)

A train wreck masquerading as popular entertainment, “The Swiss Miss Massacre” is an embarrassing stab at the horror-comedy genre by Switzerland’s most successful director, Michael Steiner. Seizing upon the campy potential of beauty-queen contestants stranded with a vengeful killer, the pic gives cheesy and cheesecake a bad name. Co-scripted by Steiner and Michael Sauter, “Swiss Miss” awards a dunce cap to any fest silly enough to give such ineptitude its imprimatur. Bids for the international market will result in a financial bloodbath, though “Massacre” may do good biz within German-speaking Switzerland.

Sabinska (Noemi Fernandes) is freakily decapitated while being crowned Miss Zurich, making runner-up Jasmin (Meryl Valerie) the new contestant for Miss Switzerland. The daughter of a beauty queen who went bonkers, Jasmin hopes the coveted tiara will heal her mom’s mind. Contestants are flown to an island whose natives make the aboriginals in “King Kong” seem authentic, where they’re murdered by a killer wearing horror-pic masks. Plot strands are sloppily dropped, and the only humor in this “Scary Movie” wannabe comes from unsubtle play on the Swiss-German dialect. Where’d the $3.2 million budget go?

The Swiss Miss Massacre

Switzerland

Production: A Film Coopi, Constantin Film presentation of a Kontraproduktion, Swiss Radio and Television, Teleclub production. (International sales: Kontraproduktion, Zurich.) Produced by Bernhard Burgener. Executive producer, Norbert Preuss. Directed by Michael Steiner. Screenplay, Michael Sauter, Steiner.

Crew: Camera (color, widescreen), Pascal Walder; editors, Benjamin Fueter, Sophie Bloechlinger; music, Adrian Frutiger; production designer, Reto Troesch; costume designer, Pascale Suter. Reviewed at Locarno Film Festival (Piazza Grande), Aug. 9, 2012. Running time: 98 MIN.

With: With: Meryl Valerie, Lisa Maria Baerenbold, Patrick Rapold, Mike Mueller, Martin Rapold, Anouschka Renzi, Silvia Medina, Nadine Vinzens, Jennifer Hurschler, Ann Mayer, Lisa Bruehlmann, Alexandra Wagener, Sabrina Meier, Noemi Fernandes, Andrea Vetsch, Bianca Bauer, Sira Topic, Liza Andrea Kuster, Jarreth Merz, Sabina Schneebeli, Michael Neuenschwander, Joel Basman, Rolf Sommer, Peter Jecklin, Max Loong, Samuel Welter. (Swiss-German dialogue)

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