A train wreck masquerading as popular entertainment, “The Swiss Miss Massacre” is an embarrassing stab at the horror-comedy genre by Switzerland’s most successful director, Michael Steiner. Seizing upon the campy potential of beauty-queen contestants stranded with a vengeful killer, the pic gives cheesy and cheesecake a bad name. Co-scripted by Steiner and Michael Sauter, “Swiss Miss” awards a dunce cap to any fest silly enough to give such ineptitude its imprimatur. Bids for the international market will result in a financial bloodbath, though “Massacre” may do good biz within German-speaking Switzerland.
Sabinska (Noemi Fernandes) is freakily decapitated while being crowned Miss Zurich, making runner-up Jasmin (Meryl Valerie) the new contestant for Miss Switzerland. The daughter of a beauty queen who went bonkers, Jasmin hopes the coveted tiara will heal her mom’s mind. Contestants are flown to an island whose natives make the aboriginals in “King Kong” seem authentic, where they’re murdered by a killer wearing horror-pic masks. Plot strands are sloppily dropped, and the only humor in this “Scary Movie” wannabe comes from unsubtle play on the Swiss-German dialect. Where’d the $3.2 million budget go?