LATE NIGHT IN CRISIS, DAY 14: Tonight’s Conan monologue

Conanlego  From tonight’s “The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien” monologue:

Hello, I’m Conan O’Brien, sorry if I’m a little late…I had a job
interview at Lady Foot Locker.

 

I should have known something was up when NBC sent me that 2010 calendar
that only went up to January.

 

Over the past week, ratings for the “Tonight Show” are up
by 50%.  When NBC executives heard this
they told me, “See, you really don’t fit in around
here.”

 

This
whole experience has been so surreal.  I
never thought I’d be jealous of the long, illustrious run that NBC gave
“Joey.”

 

It’s been reported that before I agree to a final settlement with this
network I want to make sure NBC takes care of my staff.  At first they thought I was gullible – they
said the staff would be taken to a big farm where they’d be allowed to run free
forever.

 

On Friday, Northwestern University is holding a “Conan O’Brien Day” where
a group of students will gather on campus and do the string dance.  Then the football team will beat the crap out
of them.

 

I’ve been having a hard time explaining this whole
situation to my kids – because they’re still very young.  So I had a doll made of myself – and now I
can show my kids EXACTLY where NBC touched
daddy.

 

I’ve been trying to look on the bright
side and make the best of a tough situation. 
Even though I had
this job for only 7 months, in the world of entertainment, that’s actually a
pretty long time  
In fact, I came up with a list of things
in Hollywood that lasted less than 7 months:

 

Kid Rock’s marriage to Pamela Anderson: 5
months

Popularity of the “Leave Britney Alone Guy”: 4
months

Ed Hardy T-shirts being cool, not tacky: 5.5
months

The plot of “Lost” being vaguely
comprehensible: 3 months.

Joan Rivers’ 17th face: 6 weeks.

Interest in Denise Richards’ side of the story:
18 hours.

Gary Busey’s love affair with an Encino parking
meter: 44 days.

Lindsay Lohan’s first and third stints as a
lesbian: 3 months & 5 months.

The Masturbating Bear’s disappearance from the
airwaves: 6 months 29 days….

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