From tonight's first TBS edition of "Conan":
Thank you. Thank you and welcome to my 2nd Annual first show.
Yes, I know what you guys are thinking, “Hey, it’s the guy from Twitter.”
Welcome to my new show, “Conan.” People ask me why I named the show “Conan.” I did it so I’d be harder to replace.
This is an exciting night. I’m glad to be on cable. The truth is, I’ve dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.
And things are going well already. I’m happy to report that we’re already #1 in TBS’s key demographic — people who can’t afford HBO.
I’m going to be honest: It’s not easy doing a late-night show on a channel without a lot of money and that viewers have trouble finding. So that’s why I left NBC.
But the weird thing is this: I put myself and my staff through a lot because I refused to go on at midnight. So I get this job at eleven. Then, yesterday, Daylight Savings Time ended — so right now it’s basically midnight. In fact, it’s 12:05.
A lot’s happened in the news since I went off the air — and I was hoping I could cover it all in one joke. But then I realized that’s like trying to keep an Icelandic volcano from wearing Lady Gaga’s meat dress while a trapped Chilean miner cleans up the BP oil spill…Brett Favre’s penis.