Conan’s farewell, part one: The last monologue


We recap the final “Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien” here . But here’s Conan’s full final monologue, plus his parting comments:

Ladies and Gentleman, we have exactly one hour to steal
every single item in this studio.

We’ve a had a lot of fun being here these last 7 months, but
like everything in life, the fun has to come to an end a decade too early.

The terms of my settlement say that I can’t host another
show for 7 months.  So next week look
forward to the “Andy Richter show” with his sidekick, me!

As I set off for exciting new career opportunities, I just
want to make one thing clear to everyone listening out there: I will do

Now that this mess is almost behind me – I just have one
last request: HBO, when you make the movie about this whole NBC late night
fiasco, I’d like to be played by Academy-Award winning actress Tilda Swinton.

People have been asking me what’s going to happen to our
studio after we’re gone. There are
actually a few possible uses for our studio being kicked around.  I thought I’d share some of the ideas with
you right now:

-Site of Tiger Woods’ 1st
Annual Mistress Reunion

-Fitting room for cast of “The
Biggest Loser”

-Storage facility for apology
notes to NBC stockholders

-Waterpark for Max Weinberg’s
illegitimate children

-Hair and chest oil storage for
the “JerseyShore” cast

-Future site of “Cooters”, the
nation’s first pants less sports bar and restaurant

-Studio preserved as a nice,
quiet, peaceful place where the cast of “Chuck” can be alone with their

-Magician David Blaine will
attempt the impossible by trying to remain in the studio for longer than seven

-Leave the studio cold and empty
and re-name it “The World’s Largest Metaphor For NBC Programming”

-Panic room for Gary Busey after
the rise of the fire hydrants

-Studio will be air-lifted to a
location with better luck, like on top of a native-American burial ground

Before ending the show with a song, Conan said the following from his desk:

“Before we end this
rodeo, a few things need to be said. There has been a lot of speculation in the
press about what I legally can and can’t say about NBC.  To set the record straight, tonight I am
allowed to say anything I want. And what I want to say is this: between my time
at Saturday Night Live, The Late Night Show, and my brief run here on The Tonight
Show, I have worked with NBC for over twenty years.  Yes, we have our differences right now and
yes, we’re going to go our separate ways. 
But this company has been my home for most of my adult life.  I am enormously proud of the work we have
done together, and I want to thank NBC for making it all possible.

Walking away from The Tonight
Show is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Making this choice has been
enormously difficult. This is the best job in the world, I absolutely love
doing it, and I have the best staff and crew in the history of the medium. But
despite this sense of loss, I really feel this should be a happy moment. Every
comedian dreams of hosting The Tonight Show and, for seven months, I got to. I
did it my way, with people I love, and I do not 
regret a second. I’ve had more good fortune than anyone I know and if
our next gig is doing a show in a 7-11 parking lot, we’ll find a way to make it

And finally, I have to say
something to our fans. The massive outpouring of support and passion from so
many people has been overwhelming. The rallies, the signs, all the goofy,
outrageous creativity on the internet, and the fact that people have traveled
long distances and camped out all night in the pouring rain to be in our audience,
made a sad situation joyous and inspirational.

To all the people watching, I
can never thank you enough for your kindness to me and I’ll think about it for
the rest of my life. All I ask of you is one thing: please don’t be cynical. I
hate cynicism- it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead

Nobody in life gets exactly
what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and
you’re kind, amazing
things will happen.  A
s proof, let’s make an amazing thing happen right now.  Here to close out our show, are a few good
friends, led by Mr. Will Ferrell…”

MORE: Conan’s farewell, part two: Recapping the finale

(Photo by France Magtira)

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  1. Kat Norton says:

    Nice and Classy. And the show was great. Can’t wait to see what Conan does next! Whatever it is, I’ll be watching!

  2. shelly says:

    No, but Leno had a choice, didn’t he? He could’ve shown Conan some solidarity and refused to take the Tonight Show. He could’ve asked the network if there was something else he could’ve done on the network. He could’ve been gracious about it and say he’s had his time and this is now Conan’s and passed the torch on like he supposedly pretended to 7 months ago. Did he? NO.
    Do you think it’s a coincidence that Leno’s 10 p.m. variety show on NBC was so much like his Tonight Show and had so many of the same bits? I don’t. He’s either incredibly unimaginative not to come up with a whole another show (which I wouldn’t be surprised by) or he’s so desperate to hang on to The Tonight Show no matter who he has to backstab to do it. Both he and the trainwreck that is NBC deserve each other.

  3. Walt says:

    This may really have been a “business decision” by NBC.
    According to a New York Post article, apparently, Leno and his lawyers snuck in ironclad clauses in his contract that would have had NBC paying a penalty of $150 MILLION, NOT the $80 million that has been widely speculated. I would not be surprised if we found out later that Leno and his lawyers also snuck in a “get me back to late night” clause that forced NBC to put Leno back at 11:35 PM or Leno could have taken it even further.
    Even if not, paying off Leno ALONE would have apparently cost NBC an addition $105 million over the payoff for Conan and his entire staff if the NY POST is correct. Add in Leno’s staff, and that payout could have been another $20-25 million, making the total payout $125-130 million MORE than if they let Leno go.
    Apparently, NBC didn’t really have a choice if this was true.

  4. shelly says:

    *sigh* Why do bad things happen to good people? Stay classy, Conan.
    May Leno go burn in the deepest depth of hell where he belongs.

  5. sarah says:

    oh man, kinda beautiful

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