“American Idol”: Sweet home Chicago

Idolchi Oh Chicago, this is your week to fall victim to the producers and editors of “American Idol.”

In Tuesday’s episode, “Idol” gang has ceased their search for talent and is now just randomly taking pot shots at folks they found at Applebees.

Next year, they are just going to send Seacrest to random cities where he’ll ask folks if they can sing. If the answer is yes, he will attempt to beat them to death with a smiley chain. The survivor of the Ryan’s House of Pain will be your next “American Idol.”

This week’s episode was sparse on talent and big on sob stories that include asthma, fatherless teens, allergies and modern-day castratos who lack the follow-thru on the castrato part.

Shania Twain was the guest host. Nothing to say there. I had a bunch of “I Heart Huckabees” jokes lined up, but the folks at Television Without Pity beat me to it, and well, might I add. So I got nothin’. It’s Shania. She sings at football games. That’s the extent of my knowledge.

Folks like Curley (pictured below) and Bubble Bath Brian who attempted to flaunt their falsettos failed. Folks with bubbly personalities like Amy failed. Crying Harold failed. Accordion kid failed. Chick in pink failed. Fail. Fail. Fail. It was just a cavalcade of folks with undiagnosed social issues.

The cross section of humanity they have selected for the camera time is a strong argument for cutting arts programs in public high schools if this is what it leads to.

There were a few small slivers of hope in this episode, but most were so bland it’s difficult to imagine them building any type of fan base for Hollywood week. Idolchicurley

There was John, who was an “Idol” producers dream, seeing as he represented a demographic they have yet to completely exploit. He got a yellow card and was awarded a full minute of on-camera primal screaming and man-on-man love when he exited the room. There was asthma girl, who was given a second chance in Hollywood Week. There were others, but I’m getting bored typing this sentence so I need to stop now.

Tonight, Orlando.

 
And for your “American Idol” drinking game, a few add-ons:

– If the person auditioning works in the service industry = one shot

– If they have a high paying white-collar gig = two shots

– Kara attempts to out-sing the contestant = one shot

– Kara actually out-sings the contestant = two shots

– Any mention of Paula = one shot

– Any mention of Simon’s future with the show = two shots

— Erin Maxwell

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