Latenight one-liners span topics

Politicians aren't the only target

Politicians are a popular target of latenights hosts — then again, so are a lot of other topics, as these quotes show.

Arizona Immigration Law

Major League Baseball today, the players association, they came out strongly to repeal the Arizona law. In fact, during the Diamondbacks game last night, Sheriff Joe Arpaio ran onto the field demanding to see the ID of a guy after he stole second base.
— Bill Maher

Attempted Times Square bombing

At first the Taliban claimed credit, and then as the week went on and we found out about this guy, they said, no, we had nothing to do with him. That’s got to hurt a terrorist. The Taliban said the next time we want to wreak mass destruction on America, we’ll hire BP.
— Bill Maher

Welcome to New York City, the city that never sleeps. Why? Why does the city never sleep? Two words: suspicious packages.
— David Letterman

The Economy

Here’s a story they’ve been talking about for a while, and it happened again. A man known as the “geezer bandit,” this old guy, has held up his ninth bank. The guy is 70. He says he’s going to keep robbing banks until he finds one with money in it.
— Jay Leno

They think it was a glitch — a computer glitch — that triggered a wave of automated selling. The headline in USA Today today was: The machines took over. When Glenn Beck saw that, he surrendered to his vacuum cleaner.
— Bill Maher

Sex scandal

Rielle Hunter appeared on Oprah to discuss her love affair with John Edwards. Not to be outdone, next week John Edwards is appearing to discuss his love affair with John Edwards.
— Jimmy Fallon

There is an impending environmental disaster looming right off our nation’s fragile coastline. I’m speaking, of course, about the new wind farm off of Cape Cod. What if it breaks and we have a catastrophic wind spill?
— Stephen Colbert

Gulf of Mexico oil spill

The U.S. heads of the three companies involved in this oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico — BP, Transocean and Halliburton — were called to testify in front of the Senate. There was a lot of finger-pointing. BP blamed Transocean, Transocean blamed Halliburton and Halliburton blamed BP. You know, if instead of pointing those fingers, gentlemen, you jammed them all into the leak, perhaps you could have saved a few sea turtles.
— Jimmy Kimmel

British Petroleum has a new slogan: BP, you’re swimming in it!
— Jay Leno

Halliburton says they’re going to do the underwater cement job to plug the hole. I thought, wait a minute, that’s a mistake. Underwater cement? You call the Mafia.
—- David Letterman


The American Lung Assn. reported that L.A. had an average of 140 days of dangerous levels of smog. I don’t mind the smog. It gives my skin a mesquite flavor; it gives me a smokiness that the ladies can’t seem to get enough of. Is this even news, by the way? L.A. being named smoggiest is like Belgium being named “waffliest.”
— Jimmy Kimmel

“South Park” Muhammad controversy

As I witness the reaction to this episode, it makes me realize that I actually owe a lot of religious people an apology — not for making jokes at their expense, but for not appreciating how well you’ve handled it, because I mean we’ve been assholes.
— Jon Stewart

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