Dear A&E: God Doesn’t Want Me to Watch Your Show

So I popped in “Tattoo Highway,” an upcoming A&E series billed as “a television road trip through the cross-country travels of master tattoo artist Thomas Pendelton,” slated to premiere May 27. As happens  Pendelton occasionally, the DVD malfunctioned, and I couldn’t watch it.

At first, I was going to contact A&E and ask for another copy. Then I thought, “You know, why not leave well enough alone?” Look, I try never to prejudge things, but something tells me that I am not the intended audience for “Tattoo Highway.” For starters, I think anyone that would cover himself with tattoos from shin to chin is a bleepin’ moron, but maybe that’s because I’m bitter about lacking the vertical leap to play in the NBA.

Moreover, A&E would have to go to the trouble and expense of sending me another copy, only to (probably) wind up taking the inevitably shellacking. Who needs that in this economy, right?

So let’s just call this one a draw, OK? Although I’m not a religious person, take it as a sign that some higher power chose to intervene on both of our behalves. I get back roughly 43 minutes of my life that I can almost certainly put to better use, and you get a mention of the program on my blog without me pasting your show with words like “derivative” (Pendelton previously appeared in A&E’s “Inked”) or “tedious.” Sounds like a win-win.

As a sign of my diligence, however, this is a one-time-only pass. And if I find out that people start sending me damaged DVDs on purpose in the hopes of earning similar dispensation, the next round of critical tattoos will definitely leave a mark.

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  1. Brian Lowry says:

    Mr. Pendelton:
    You are, officially, now my favorite tattoo artist. And you have humbled me.
    I was of course being flippant about the show, but you have reminded me that in this sort of endeavor it’s always dangerous to prejudge (or even joke about it), as tempting as that is in these overworked times. I will make a point of watching “Tattoo Highway,” even if it’s a road I would never take myself. (Frankly, needles make me a little queasy.)
    Best of luck with the series.

  2. Mr. Lowry,
    As far as myself being a bleeping moron, my wife and close friends would tend to agree.
    I can’t help you with your NBA dreams but I have to think that if you did make it you’d probably have a few tattoos of your own.
    Getting covered was agreeably a bad idea but my tattoos have forced me to reach my goals as a professional artist. They don’t call them job stoppers for nothing.
    I’ll be the first admit when I see someone covered in tattoos I think “Scumbag”. I imagine this generalization is true sometimes but there are those of us that have beautiful wives and beautiful children that are just trying to make our way as a tattooed respected member of society.
    I am humbled by your mention and wish that television was full of only the things I want to personally watch! Particularly a 24 hour Caddyshack channel!
    My wife and I would like to formally invite you to watch the premier with a small group of friends and family (since neither of us have seen the show) in the hopes of winning you over…

  3. Brian Lowry says:

    The question of journalists being paid for their product is something of a sore point right now, but yes, Variety does indeed pay me. And given the volume of material that I happily sit through for the privilege, I suspect they’ll give me a pass on this one.
    But I am pleased to see that someone is so eager to see “Tattoo Highway.” This virtually ensures that “Tattoo Runway” and “The Real Tattooed Housewives” can’t be far behind.

  4. Heather K says:

    I was excited to see someone retort to the upcoming “Tattoo Highway” series at first glimpse via Google keyword alert only to be let down.
    Do you get paid from Variety or is this just somewhere you get to (pardon the expression) “piss in the wind” with your meaningless banter?

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