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Fox trimmed the one-hour premiere of "Osbournes Reloaded" down to 35 minutes, and given the thought and care that went into what finally aired, maybe next time they'll cut things off after the opening credits.

Fox trimmed the one-hour premiere of “Osbournes Reloaded” down to 35 minutes, and given the thought and care that went into what finally aired, maybe next time they’ll cut things off after the opening credits. Able to play themselves on their MTV reality show, the family here gets squeezed into a bizarre assortment of sketches, mercifully broken up by commercials about every three minutes. Thus far, the show’s one novelty is scads of bleeped expletives, making the few Fox affiliates that balked at airing it look surprisingly rational.

Ostensibly a variety show shot in front of a boisterous studio audience, the program features a mix of live and taped elements — the first problem being that among the Osbourne family, only Jack appears to have any natural aptitude for the hosting part of the gig.

The premiere’s centerpiece, oddly, hinged on a staged (and most likely not legal) wedding in which an audience member was bushwhacked by a “Get married now or else” ultimatum from his girlfriend. Although it was rather uncomfortable to watch, at least that drawn-out interlude offered a respite from watching Ozzy, Sharon and Kelly curse, with little faces appearing over their mouths to prevent even lip readers from being offended.

Other than that, everything felt borrowed from another program, from a hidden-camera bit in a drive-through restaurant to having child-sized versions of Ozzy and Sharon spew insults at adults.

As one producer put it in an email that summed up the program’s quality better than I possibly could, “Bernie Madoff should have to watch that show over and over again until he dies.”

In the silver-lining department, at least Fox reality guru Mike Darnell is digging back into his old “What the hell was that?” bag of tricks, after a stretch where the network’s outrages felt somewhat middle-aged. Ultimately, though, “Osbournes Reloaded” is such a disjointed mess that only those who came to the party fully loaded would possess the patience or fortitude to sit through it.

Osbournes Reloaded

Fox, Tue. March 31, 9:25 p.m.

Production

Produced by JOKS Prods. and FremantleMedia North America. Executive producers, James Sunderland, Ozzy Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne, Jack Osbourne, Kelly Osbourne; co-executive producers, James Breen, Emma Conway; senior producer, Brent Wilson; producers, Jamie Evans, Elyse Foley; director, Russell Norman.

Crew

RUNNING TIME: 35 MIN.

Cast

Featuring: Ozzy Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne, Jack Osbourne, Kelly Osbourne
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