Elves, goblins and humans jointly occupy the world of “Knights of Bloodsteel,” another sloppily constructed two-part fantasy that’s closer to “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers” than “The Lord of the Rings.” The first portion is so muddled that I actually had to double-check to make sure I hadn’t popped in the second DVD by mistake, before settling into this small-scale quest with, among other things, some of the goofiest-looking dragons ever. Harmless but also mindless, this abbreviation from my notes — “K’s of BS” — pretty well sums things up.
RHI Entertainment always lands somebody with marquee value to spice up these stews, and here it’s Christopher Lloyd as the sorcerer elf Tesselink, looking like he yearns to go back to the future — or any other time that has a functioning plot and less-ludicrous dialogue.
Near as I could tell, the evil muppet-headed Dragon Eye (Mark Gibbon) has set his sights on monopolizing the island of Mirabilis’ supply of bloodsteel, an ore with magical properties. To thwart him and his minions, Tesselink learns of a prophecy regarding four warriors, who are the only hope of stopping Dragon Eye before he locates the Crucible and thus controls all the BS in the world.
The anointed knights include Serragoth (David James Elliott, employing a weird not-quite-Scottish brogue), a sword-wielding human bounty hunter; the elf Perfidia (Natassia Malthe), who, like Tesselink, has mystical powers, as well as the cutest little fangs; Adric (Christopher Jacot), a conman; and Ber-Lak (Dru Viergever), a goblin slowly mastering his telekinetic abilities.
Other than ample exposure of the British Columbia scenery (the better for chewing), the project’s main point of recommendation would have to be its makeup effects, with the goblins resembling the bastard children of Nosferatu and the Orcs from “Rings.” The computer-generated dragons, by contrast, look utterly cheesy, and when one of them turns sort-of invisible (an effect somewhat like “Predator”), it’s more of a relief than a thrill.
Written by Sam Egan and directed by Philip Spink, the project has a decidedly juvenile tone — as Serragoth and Perfidia spend most of the action coming thisclose to kissing, making the whole thing feel designed for 7-year-old boys who would find that icky. Then again, that would at least provide an excuse for the woeful banter, which includes barked taunts during a fight like, “Shut your mouth, or I’ll fill it with your entrails.”
To survive doing battle with the “K’s of BS,” you might also require something to cover your eyes and plug your ears.