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Perez Hilton takes on ‘hiltons’

Lifetime pulls plug on 'Amazing Mrs. Novak'

“NOW WE have ‘hiltons people’: No one even knows how they became famous or, more accurately, how they became famous for being famous.”

That’s Perez Hilton, blogger deluxe, the self-titled “Queen of All Media” in the introduction of his wildly amusing new book, “Red Carpet Suicide.”

Perez refers to the current (and future) wave of celebrities as “hiltons” — lower case — because so many seem to have followed in the now-somewhat-faded footsteps of Paris Hilton. Perez explains: “A hilton is someone who is skinny, notorious, mischievous, hot, loves to party, dates a lot, acts gorgeous, drives drunk, poses seductively for the camera, rarely works, dates some more, and doesn’t eat. They appear on reality TV and in bad movies, but they can’t act; they make records, but they can’t sing; their athletic prowess is limited to bedroom gymnastics; and somehow they are the hottest names in entertainment.”

“Red Carpet Suicide” is extremely entertaining. Yes, it is bitchy (surprise!) but without a doubt, Perez has a vicious laptop finger on the on the zeitgeist of what stardom is about today.

The chapter titles alone made me laugh: “Date Up The Right Way” (Perez explains the “career” of Kim Kardashian, which was really quite helpful to me)… “No Moment Is Too Precious to Whore Out”… “Pretend to Give Back”… “Have a Sexy Gay Hookup” (Perez didn’t specify, but this only works for the girls. Gay male stars are still the big taboo — ask the brave and divine Rupert Everett!)… “Celebrities Who Tip Off the Paparazzi”…and “People Who Shouldn’t Procreate.”

Over the holidays, I caught Perez on CNN of all places, as one of the talking heads in an hourlong special about the big names of 2008. He looked cute, and spoke with surprising authority on a number of subjects — not just hiltons.

Perez himself loves being a Hilton and a hilton. And for the multitudes of celebrities he disses (many of whom, still and all, gladly pose with him at events) he has advice. Don’t confront him angrily. “Send me a brand new Prada suit? Maybe. A lifetime supply of Pinkberry ice cream? Sure. But don’t attack me in public and order me around. That’s just going to turn me into an angry pit bull.”

Perez is confident that a “real star” like Angelina Jolie “doesn’t have time for petty stuff like that.” On the other hand, Jesse Metcalf, who briefly became a hot item off “Desperate Housewives,” confronted Perez at a nightclub and demanded Perez stop printing that the actor was gay. Perez wouldn’t back down: “I think you’re gay.” Metcalf then said, very seriously, “Do you know how many times I’ve fantasized about killing you?”

* * *

Remember last year when we told you Lifetime TV had a pilot in the works, titled “The Amazing Mrs. Novak,” which bore more than a passing resemblance to the career of Sarah Palin? Well, now — even though the pilot, which starred Amy Pietz and Kristin Dattilo, was deemed very good — it won’t become a series. The failure of John McCain and Palin to reach D.C. might have something to do with the pulled plug, but there is also concern about the surreal Illinois governor Rod Blagojivich scandal. Some Lifetime honchos just said, “Nothing about governors this year!” Oh, come on you guys, be brave and innovative and snarky — combine the Palin and Blaggo stories. (If not, Showtime, here’s your next “Dexter!”) The governors wouldn’t care. These two canny politicians are 21st century celebs: There’s no such thing as bad publicity.

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