Omigod. OmiGOD! Whoo-hoo! Omigod. Okay – okay. Is this really happening? OMIGOD!! Okay. I didn’t even write a speech!
(She takes out a large sheaf of paper)
Okay. First of all — I’d like to thank God for just taking time out of His busy schedule curing cancer and feeding the hungry and solving the crisis in Darfur with George Clooney and helping so many different wide receivers and quarterbacks to throw and catch footballs and instead making sure that I got singled out of such a wonderful group of actors like Meryl and Mary-Louise and Cate Blanchett and Angelina and Marcia Gay and Kate Winslet and just – all the Kates and the Kevins and the two name and the three name people I feel so honored just to be up here while they are all down there and I’d like to just thank the Academy and the people who hated me and treated me like such dirt and who made me stab them in the back just to get here and now you can suck it and Botox! I almost forgot Botox! And Restylin and Cosmoderm and Prestocheek and Instatit and all the other animal agents I’ve had injected into my face and stuff. Oh my god my agents — I almost forgot the entire squad of agents and managers and hangers-on whose asses I have kissed and coddled for so many long B and C movie years now and also — it would be so bad not to thank my team of surgeons who have stretched and sculpted and pulled and pressure-pointed every aspect of my face, neck and armfat until I look so young and ripe and yet somehow still able to move my forehead and eyebrows just enough to frown and laugh and look focused which is a huge part of why I just won this!
Um — um — GOD! I don’t wanna forget anyone! This is a HUGE emotional moment for me. Because — well,because — my price is gonna go thru the roof! Gwyneth Paltrowville here I come! Also also — I want to thank my parents who I became legally seperated from after they so graciously let me stop attending kindergarten halfway thru my fifth year as a loving, caring human person on this planet and who then managed to not only turn me into a working child star but to also bilk me out of any and almost all money I made doing bit parts in crappy kid shows and anyways I don’t have to talk to either of them anymore on a daily basis which saves me tons of time and lets me focus so much more on just me and my work and my director on this project who let me come to the set late and therefore continue to indulge my drug and alcohol problem without ever having to go to rehab – which of course I will do eventually if it means having to make a full blown comeback once my career goes into the toilet and I have to do some really really hard acting-type stuff like a Broadway show – where you have to actually memorize ALL of your lines IN ADVANCE and perform eight shows a week in front of an actual breathing audience who are in the same ROOM as you? God. Which I’ll probably do just to get back in everyone’s good graces but I may have to pull a Piven and just do the beginning part where you get the good reviews and the glory and stuff and then just eat a lot of sushi – so much sushi that you almost puke and then you get a note from like a doctor-type guy and then just get on a plane and come back out here. Where it’s sunny. And where you get to do like — 75 takes and they just feed you the lines from off-camera? Which is easier. And nowhere near as fattening.
Cue music again
Wait! Wait! Stop! I have something really important I wanna say here!
(long dramatic pause)
I just wanna say that — acting is — so … awesome. It’s just such an incredibly – awesome – thing – to do! It touches people and it makes people – change – and grow and cry and laugh and — feel … stuff! And stuff is so — important. And – it … encompasses. Us. All of us. And I love acting because now I will be able to do the kind of work I’ve always dreamed of doing which will reach and touch and help people and — make them smell better. Cause when I get a new perfume contract – a really really classy one that smells really really good but different too! And I wanna help people with their hair and do one of those beautiful slow motion hair commercials that look so luscious and I wanna help George Clooney with the Darfur stuff and the anti-paparazzi thing but — and, um — last but in absolutely no way least — to my partner, to my costar in life and love — who will probably leave me for The Next Big Thing in about eighteen months after I’ve squandered whatever tiny bit of sparkle and power I may appear to have at this very moment by doing six overblown gimungous box-office bombs that leave three studios and eight agents left for dead in my wake, but tonight my sweet — I love you. And this dress. And the gaggle of gay men who I pay to dress me up and giggle at all my jokes and tell me what a bitch my mom really really is. I love you, you guys. And my arms. They’re just so toned to the right point of … tonedom. Like – not so scary I look like I stole Mick Jagger’s upper arms Madonna-type toned but — like I’ve worked out a little bit here and there and look at this Oscar at the end of my arm toned! I love this thing! And my own reflection. And my new nose. God — he did such a fantastic job on my nose. Not God God. My nose guy. Who also did my eyes. And the man who did my new nipples! Which I’m oh so willing to show you in an artsy drama Scorsese or Darren Aronofsky Marisa stripper-type thing. Thank You all so much!
(Cue music and applause)
Leary is the author of the New York Times bestseller ‘Why We Suck.’