SELLER: Joey Fatone
LOCATION: Kilgore Road, Orlando, FL
SIZE: 12,370 square feet, 6 bedroooms, 8 full and 4 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: “Grande Oaks,” a 12,000+ sqft privately gated lakefront estate on famous Millionaire’s Row. Boasts 6 bedrooms, 6 baths, 4 half baths, home theater (w/ stadium seating), office/study, game room, 10+ car garage, $1M+ resort-style pool, dock/boathouse…
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: After a few days off to take care of some personal matters that are none of any of y’alls bidness we’re back in the saddle so to speak and starting the week by heading on down to Orlando, FL where boy bander turned television twinkle towes turned game show host Joey Fatone has listed his sprawling estate with an asking price of $5,900,000.
Mister Fatone was the baritone for the outrageously successful boy band ‘N Sync which was originally created and managed by that creepy Lou Pearlman character who is currently serving 25 years in the clink for cheating investers out of three hundred million or so smackers. This was back in the day when times were simpler, when pre-teens, tweens and teens only needed to see a 5 or six freshly scrubbed and polished young men singing in harmony and spinning on their heels to be entertained. Nowadays it takes a bit more cleavage and foul language to do the trick, but that’s another discussion for another day. More recently Mister Fatone has appeared on Broadway (Rent and Little Shop of Horrors), came in second place on the enormously popular but terrifically undignified Dancing With the Stars program and currently hosts The Singing Bee, whatever that is.
Property records for Mister Fatone’s 4.36 acre lakefront spread on posh Kilgore Road are a bit fuzzy however it appears to our beady little eyes like Mister Fatone probably picked the place up in the August of 2001 for $2,650,000 and shortly thereafter let the cameras from MTV Cribs up in his crib to snoop around in his frige, up in his 53-foot long closet and around the grounds that include a swimming pool complex that listing information indicates cost more than a million clams to construct and makes the one at the Playboy mansion look downright ghetto.
Listing information indicates the 12,370 square foot plantation style pile, which someone has dubbed Grande Oaks, includes 6 bedrooms and 6 full poopers and another 4 half poopers. Can someone explain to Your Mama why there is an “e” at the end of the word “Grand?” Is this meant to imbue as certain kind of elegance? We hope not, because it does not. It’s a silly artifice that sets Your Mama off on the wrong foot. In addition to the massive main house, the walled, gated and heavily secured spread includes a second, detached building that Your Mama presumes is the colossal 10 car garage where Mister Fatone keeps one of the KITT cars used on the kitchy 1980s boob-toob series Knight Rider which starred that funky David Hasselhoff guy. Why anyone would want to own a car like that is simply beyond Your Mama’s limited capacity of understanding.
A columned portico leads to the front door which open to traditionally de–zined interiors that include a large entrance hall (the children will note how the doors or off-center which is just driving Your Mama all kinds of crazy), formal living and dining room with furniture that looks like it might have been won on the Price Is Right, a paneled office/study with ka–razee red, black and white color block shag wall to wall carpeting, a lurid red sofa, built in book cases that look like they might house all of Mister Fatone’s many music awards and, somewhat upsettingly, a built in puppet theater complete with red velvet curtains and gold tasseled trim.
Other rooms, according to listing information include a 30-foot long granite slathered gore-may kitchen with dual refrigerators and ovens, a clubby, paneled home theater room with stadium seating, projection screen and surround sound. Upstairs, in addition to the 4 or 5 bedroom suites there is also a game room/bonus area with a serving bar, a couple of wide balconies for surveying the property and watching the sun sparkle on the lake or spy anyone coming down the drive, and a second laundry room so that Mister and Missus Fatone’s Svetlana need not trouble herself with hauling the dirty linens down the elevator to the laundry facilities on the ground floor.
The master suite that includes it’s own private entrance vestibule, a sitting room with an adjacent butler’s pantry so the Fatones need not schlep down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee or a box of late night candy, a dual-sided fireplace, a sleeping chamber with wood coffered ceiling and some pretty complicated balloon valances, the aforementioned 53-foot long closet/dressing room that features a trio of custom built dressing islands and an utterly obscene marble master bath with separate vanities and terlits, a sauna and a steam room, walk-in shower (aren’t all showers walk in showers?), and a gigantic Jacuzzi tub surrounded by skinny columns that has Your Mama reaching for the nerve pills. We think perhaps the nice gay decorator might have been aiming for a Caligula meets Gone With the Wind sort of thing but honestly chickens, it’s really an eye-popping sort of uglee ain’t it?
The grounds include the mammoth million dollar plus swimming pool complex that includes what we think is a kiddie pool, a beach like entrance on one end and a arching bridge that leads to the grotto area where we find a large orgy friendly spa tucked into a faux-rock cave and an outdoor kitchen/entertaining area with a large grill, fireplace and what we think might be an aquarium. Jutting out into the lake is a long dock with docking facilities including a shed like thing where a small craft can be lifted up out of the water.
Who knows why Mister Fatone wants to sell his lavish and exuberantly appointed property. Perhaps he’s grown tired of the water bills and maintenance which we imagine requires full time staff to mow the lawns, clips the hedges, mops the floors, scrub the 10 terlits and all sweep out that garage which is bigger than the entire home of most people. Wherever he may go, Your Mama wishes him and his a happy home.