SELLER: Aaron and Dana Seltzer
LOCATION: Oakdell Lane, Studio City, CA
SIZE: 4,178 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gated private situated on huge lot surrounded by lush greenery. Resort like salt water pool and cabana, great for entertaining. Sweet grassy yards. Magnificent grand sunroom with walls of French doors. Fantastic five bedroom suites some with romantic private gardens. Great eat in kitchen. Open floor plan with fabulous indoor outdoor vibe. Generous parking.
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama is not in the film bizness nor do we care to be in the film bizness but that does not mean we are not entitled to our completely meaningless opinion that the mainstream movie making machine called Hollywood is not a very happy place for auteurs particularly in this golden age of dumbed-down cinematic sequels, pointless re-makes, crass comedies and saccharine sweet Hallmark card-like romantic comedies of the sort that make Your Mama want to puke. Why so many people need and want this kind of hopped up fantasy of romantical perfection is beyond our comprehension and, quite frankly, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter both think these feel good at all costs films lead to a sort of psychic dulling and emotional crippling that dooms relationships. Anyone who has ever been married will tell you, it ain’t no damn Hugh Grant or Renée Zellweger picture. However, Your Mama realizes we may be in the minority with our judgmental point of view and we fully recognize that the movies made for the masses are extremely lucrative. Just ask spoof comedy king Aaron Seltzer who recently put his Studio City, CA house on the market with an asking price of $2,949,000.
Mister Seltzer–along with his movie making partner Jason Friedberg–is one of the many writers responsible for the hugely successful but critically excoriated Scary Movie franchise as well as the not exactly cleverly named films Date Move, Epic Movie, Return of the Spartans and Disaster Movie. Your Mama thought we’d actually seen one of these Scary Movie movies but, thanks to a thoughtful message from one of the children, what we actually saw was Scream which is apparently the movie that Scary Movie was spoofing. Whatever.
Anyhoo, property records show Mister Setzer and his ack–turuss wifey Dana (Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie) scooped up their Studio City digs in September of 2004 for $2,535,000. Property records reveal the rambling Robert Byrd-esque residence, located up a gated drive at the tail end of a quiet cul–de-sac called Oakdell Lane in the low-key but expensive Fryman Canyon neighborhood, measures 4,178 square feet and includes 5 bedrooms and 5.5 poopers.
A wide half flight of stairs leads to the open plan living and dining room which sports mahogany colored medium-width hardwood floors, a corner fireplace, an eclectic and not entirely successful blend of mid-century modern and cottage style furniture and a sloping ceiling that for some unknown and inexplicable reason is wood beamed over the living room area and smooth sheet rock over the dining room area. The children will note the bowl chandelier over the dining room table which is not only hung far too high above the table top but looks like it might have been snatched up from the sale rack at the Home Despot. A wall of French doors opens the room to a commodious covered and sky lit brick terrace that overlooks the big black bottom swimming pool and spa.
The wood floors flow into the sky lit kitchen which appears to Your Mama to have been recently re-did with a porcelain farmhouse sink, white raised paned cabinetry, professional grade stainless steel appliances, a work island and what may or may not be sand colored limestone counter tops.
As best as we can surmise from listing information, each of the five bedrooms has access to a private sky lit pooper including, natch, the sky lit master bedroom which also boasts a peaked ceiling, a wall of paned French doors that open to a verdant private patio, a stacked stone fireplace flanked by built in desks, and one of those horrid and scary looking exercise contraptions that people insist on putting in their bedrooms when there must be half a dozen other places to put the damn thing. Your Mama’s decorating rule #339 clearly states that devices used for slimming, toning and trimming, particularly the sort that require electricity, shall never be placed next to a bed unless regularly used to enhance sexual relations.
Additional rooms include an undefined space with a gee-tar and a desk–which would be the obvious and better location for the exercise thingy, and long narrow sky lit family room lined with floor to ceiling bookshelves on one side, a fireplace on the short wall and another long line of French doors opposite the bookshelves.
Given its private location, family friendly neighborhood, reasonably dee–luxe amenities and proximity to all the studios in nearby Burbank, Your Mama would guess this house will garner much attention and perhaps even a quick sale. But we shall see chickens, we shall see.