Review: ‘American Idol: Long and Boring Road’

This week it's not just Lennon/McCartney it's the Beatles.

Kathy: Here we go again. Sixteen and a half minutes of actual singing in a 120-minute show. Oy.

This week it’s not just Lennon/McCartney it’s the Beatles. Nifty. I’ve never liked the Fab Four. I know I’m out here on a limb alone with this one, that they were the greatest band of all time, blah, blah, blah. I just don’t like them. My sister played their music incessantly back when we shared a room. The only thing worse than listening to the Beatles is listening to kids mangle the Beatles. Throw in all the iTunes and Coke plugs and the show nearly jumped the shark for me last night.

Off we go with the stiff introductions. Simon winked at Randy after his introduction. Have they kissed and made up? Also Randy, mirroring my feelings, is yawning. And Paula has learned a new word: “gumption.”

The vidclip confessionals this week are also a yawner. The kids recount their most memorable “Idol” moment. Isn’t it a little early to be asking that? Anyway, seven of the 11 say last week was their most memorable moment. Even little David, who forgot his words, and Syesha, who was in the bottom 3. Michael and Chikeze harken way back to the Hollywood round when they were still factors in the competition, Jason liked his perf of “Hallelujah” and Ramiele enjoys making friends. What, Ford didn’t pay one of them to say “making the Ford video has been my most memorable moment”?

Also, in addition to the songs, it seems each contestant has been told to give a campaign speech after the judges speak. Seriously, why all the talking?

Erin: I am out of town on a well-deserved vacation. However, I didn’t want to leave Kathy in a lurch, so I dusted off my Magic Eight Ball to help me with “Idol” predictions.

I have complete faith in this thing. It got me through my SATs.

Amanda (TV Guide power ranking

Song: “Back in the U.S.S.R.”

Kathy: Amanda’s dancing reminds me of something… what is it?… hmmm. Oh yeah, I have to go to the gym and do some squats. I had high hopes when Mandy announced she was going to tease her hair up really high, throw on lots of black eyeliner and have fun with it. It makes me feel like Erin is here. However, my hopes are dashed, because what we get is another screeching hard rock song. Paula says “You are the quintessential, authentic, who you are.” Alrighty, then. Simon tells Amanda she’s got to show some versatility and I wholeheartedly agree. Then Amanda goes off on a monologue about selling concert tickets and having fun and I think she even uttered “shit.” Uh-oh, Fox, the FCC is going to come after you.

Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Will Amanda ever sing a ballad?

Answer: My sources say no

Kristy Lee (TV Guide power ranking #10)

Song: You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away

Kathy: I took notes, but I still remember very little about this except that it sounded like one of my sister’s 45s playing at the wrong speed. (Kids, 45s were the mp3s of your parents’ generation.) Paula tells her she looks beautiful and we all know what that means. Kristy’s post-judgment speech turns naughty as she tells Simon “You know I could blow your socks off.” Simon and Randy get the joke, but Paula doesn’t and just keeps repeating it over and over until parents all over the country are sending the kids to bed.

Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Is Howard Stern behind the whole “Why is Kristy Still Here?” phenomenon?

Answer: My sources say no

David A. (TV Guide power ranking #2)

Song: Long and Winding Road (one of the few Beatles songs I can tolerate)

Kathy: The performance of the night; not that that is some great achievement. But little David remembered all the words and is back in form. Plus he remains adorable and humble and giggly. What’s not to like? David’s speech was short and sweet. He thinks people relate better to ballads. Hear that, Amanda?

Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Does any over the age of 17 believe David can win at this point?

Answer: Absolutely!

Michael (TV Guide power ranking #6)

Song: A Day in the Life

Kathy: Oh, Michael, you just continue to fall from grace. You really should have listened to that person I heard in the video who said “How are you going to do this song in 90 seconds?” It was just a mess, with painful high notes. Michael goes for the sympathy votes by explaining the he sang it for a friend who died last year. Oh, honey.

Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Are most of Michael’s fans girls who don’t see the ring?

Answer: No

This requires further investigating

Magic Eight Ball Question: Are most of Michael’s fans guys who see the ring, but don’t care?

Answer: Yes.

And there you have it…

Brooke (TV Guide power ranking #3)

Song: Here Comes the Sun

Kathy: Brooke says she loves the words to this song. Which ones? Doo, doo, doo, doo? My girl Brooke is really awkward without a piano or a guitar to hide behind. And when she made that Richard Simmons “Woo” sound I cringed. The judges didn’t like it either and Brooke spends a few minutes acting as mediator between the judges and the audience.

Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question:Will Brooke break away from her “authentic” sound and show us a different side?

Answer: Outlook not so good

David C. (TV Guide power ranking #1)

Song: Daytripper (with guitar and other accoutrements)

Kathy: This was pretty much last week’s performance all over again but with the addition of a “voice box” that bordered on Blake Lewis gimmickry. Plus rocker Dave has grown cocky and smug in a week’s time, as evidenced by his BS session with the judges. I liked him much better last week when he was humble and awestruck.

Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Will David open for Daughtry in the near future?

Answer: No way!

Carly (TV Guide power ranking #4)

Song: Blackbird

Kathy: Her performance was fine but, lord, I hate this song. She’s definitely the most professional one in the group. Oh, that’s right, she kind of is a professional. I’m still not feeling Carly. She just hasn’t clicked with me. And her new “7” tattoo (for season 7) and her speech about how they are all broken birds trying to fly free didn’t help.

Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: What are the chances of a Carly/Heart pairing at the finale?

Answer: Absolutely!

Jason (TV Guide power ranking #5)

Song: Michelle

Kathy: This was just really awful, particularly the French portions of the song. I still am fond of Jason for some reason. C’est la vie.

Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Will Jason use his newfound stardom to sneak into the ladies’ dorms when he returns to college?

Answer: My sources say no.

Syesha (TV Guide power ranking #11)

Song: Yesterday

Kathy: Syesha busted out her assets in a desperate attempt to garner some votes. That, er those, combined with this performance could keep her around another week.

Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Will Syesha’s happy go-lucky rendition win over judges?

Answer: Definitely

Chikezie (TV Guide power ranking #8)

Song: I’ve Just Seen a Face

Kathy: Chikezie morphed into Sybil in front of our eyes, showing at least three different personalities in the course of his 90 second song. He started off slowly, then played the harmonica, badly, then changed it into a bad Kristy Lee bluegrass version of the song. It was so disjointed, I felt like I was in my car with the radio on “seek” mode. Chikezie wisely kept his mouth shut after the judges’ critiques.

Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Will Chikezie forget about recent triumphs and return to his old, mediocre ways?

Answer: Yes

Ramiele (TV Guide power ranking #9)

Song: I Should Have Known Better

Kathy: Poor kid, tried an upbea
t song in an attempt not to be boring this week. But it was still boring. And then she engaged in baby talk with the judges. OK, I get that she’s little and cute, but she’s not Cindy Lou Who. Stop with the baby talk, Rami. And I didn’t like her outfit. So there.

Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Did Ramiele learn to stop taking Nyquil before she hits the stage?

Answer: No way!

David H. (booted last week)

Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Did David return to his former career of “serving pizzas”?

Answer: No way! (NOTE: At this point, I am starting to doubt the magic of the eight ball.)

Best: David A., Syesha

Bottom three: Kristy, Chikezie, Amanda

— Kathy Lyford and Erin’s Magic Eight Ball

American Idol: Long and Boring Road

Fox, Tues. 9 p.m.


Taped in Los Angeles by 19 Prods. Executive producers, Nigel Lythgoe, Ken Warwick, Cecile Frot-Coutaz, Simon Fuller; director, Bruce Gowers.


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