What if Secret Service did the same for Hollywood?

Just when we thought the election of Barack Obama had taken the comedy out of politics, along comes the Secret Service and puts it back in.

Bless their hearts.

The federal musclemen have let it be known (through channels, of course) that the new prez has been code-named “Renegade” — perhaps for his ability to win Southern states. Wife Michelle is “Renaissance,” with the kids “Radiance” and “Rosebud.” Evidently, all members of the family must begin with the same first letter — sounds like the U.S. bodyguards are addicted to NPR’s Puzzle Master.

Still, if the Secret Service can steal from Orson Welles, why can’t showbiz take a page from the government handbook?

Cable News Family:

Bill O’Reilly — Firefox

Keith Olbermann — Fireback

Anderson Cooper — Floodplain

Lou Dobbs — Fencepost

See? The feds are really on to something.

Family of Comedy:

Adam Sandler — Everyman

Judd Apatow — Everywhere

Jon Stewart — Everyday

Albert Brooks — Einstein

Media Mogul Family:

Sumner Redstone — Par Excellency

Leo Kirsch — Patcher Upper

Rupert Murdoch — Printerfamilias

Silvio Berlusconi — Prima Facie

Family of Note:

Quincy Jones — Quintessential

will.i.am — Quasi-present

Eminem — Quid pro quota

50 Cent — Quarterback

With liberals in power, the important thing is the spirit of the law.

Moviemaking Families Family:

Coen Brothers — Hudsuckers

Pang Brothers — Bloodsuckers

Wachowski Siblings — Oneseekers

Farrelly Brothers — Sploogemakers

Family of Counterintuitiveness:

Tina Fey — Governor

Arnold Schwarzenegger — Shrek

Leading actors:

Meryl Streep — Nominee

Tom Cruise — Valkyrie

Leo DiCaprio — Iceberg

Jodie Foster — Lambchop

Maybe they’ll take care of the credit crisis next.

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