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Teenager Hayden Panetierre Buys a Grown Up House

BUYER: Hayden Panettiere
LOCATION: Curson Terrace, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,635,000
SIZE: 3,120 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: …Floor-to-ceiling windows in most rooms looking out to unobstructed 180-degree views of the city from downtown to the ocean. 3Br/3Ba including large master suite. Open floor plan w/ lots of natural light. Large living room and family room w/ fireplaces. Office, laundry room & recently upgraded kitchen w/ high end appliances. Pool and expansive deck areas w/ huge city views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to the ever intrepid gentleman who compiles the extensive and impressive Celebrity Address Aerial database, we have learned that very bizzy teenage ackturuss Hayden Panettiere recently forked over $2,635,000 for a very grown up mid-century modern style house in the foothills above Hollywood.

Although we’ve never paid much attention to Young Miss Panettiere, a quick search of the internets reveals that the 19 year old child has a long and varied resume that shows she worked on several soap operas before graduating to roles in films like Remember the Titans with Denzel W. and a starring role as a supernaturally empowered cheerleader on a boob-toob program called Heroes. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter don’t go for the sci-fi stuff so we’ve never set eyes on that particular program, but according to our research, it’s very popular.

Other personal and professional tidbits the children might like to know about young Miss Panetierre include being nominated for a Grammy for singing a song in the animated blockbuster A Bug’s Life, shamelessly shilling for corporations such as Neutrogena and Candie’s (the shoo maker who fashioned those crazy clackety high heels favored by popular and kinda slutty high school gurls in the 1970s), recording a pop album to be released sometime in 2009, dating her much older Heroes co-star Milo Ventimiglia, speaking out about her lefty leaning political point of view and showboating as a globe trotting and dedicated animal rights activist. Good grief children, this gurl makes Your Mama feel like an indolent slab of beef jerky. It’s a wonder Miss Missy has time to film her tee-vee program.

Anyhoo, property records indicate that back in February of 2008, young Miss Panettiere purchased a 3,120 square foot house in Los Angeles which sits down a long private driveway and happens to be direckly across the street from Tinseltown power chick Drew Barrymore’s long time residence on Curson Terrace.

Listing information provided by one of our more generous tipsters indicates that the two story glass and wood box of a house was erected in 1962, sits on a sloping half acre lot and includes three bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. The loft like floor plan includes a large living and dining room with gleaming wood floors that look a little slick for dragging around in high heels, a fireplace and floor to ceiling windows that draw the eyeballs out towards the glittering carpet of lights below. Your Mama just hopes those windows have hidden and electronic shades hiding up in that itty bitty valance because those windows face due west and children, listen to Your Mama when we tell you, that the afternoon sun in Los Angeles can be a scorching nightmare that heats up your house like a damn oven.

The kitchen has been freshly renovated in a crisp modern style that won’t win any dee-zine awards, but looks far better than many–if not most–of the colossally catastrophic and seizure inducing kitchens we run across. The children will please note that whomever planned this kitchen was wise enough to provide a cubby for the microwave so that it does not sit on the counter top like this is some college flop house. We can understand needing to plop the microwave down on the counter in an unrenovated kitchen, but there is zero reason in a $50,000 cooking room to have that thing competing for counter space.

A family room is adjacent and open to the family room which features a rather large skylight, a stone faced fireplace and another wall of floor to ceiling windows that gives out to a large deck that includes built in seating and stretches the entire length of the back of the house. A small, oddly shaped swimming pool sits at the other end of the property where, should they choose, Miss Panettiere and the much older Mister Ventimiglia can sun their bare buns in perfect privacy.

Upstairs, the master bedroom offers a wall of spine tingling and vertigo inducing floor to ceiling windows and an oddly placed and too small Fortuny chandelier. We recommend Miss Panettiere ring an electrician and a nice gay decorator to work out the kinks with that illumination issue.

Now children, the furniture shown in the photos is not that of Miss Panettiere, so don’t any of you people start running at the mouth about how you don’t cotton to her taste in Heywood Wakefield dining room tables, Eames molded plywood lounge chairs or Chinese cabinets for hiding the boob toob. She didn’t buy that stuff, she bought the house. For what it’s worth (and it ain’t worth nuthin‘), we are rather impressed with Miss Panettiere’s real estate selection abilities. Not only is the house modest in scale and of an interesting (if not ground breaking) architectural design, it’s also walking distance to Runyan Canyon were our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly like to hike, frolic and poop among the rich and famous. We’re sure some of you will skewer us for saying this, but truth be told, if something was done to make those slippery looking floors less lethal, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would be more than happy to move right into young Miss Panettiere’s new crib.

We wish Miss Panettiere a happy home and we recommend that she slow down a little bit or she’s gonna wear herself down and need to be pumping that crazy Botox crap into her face before she’s 25.

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