SELLER: Andrew Lazar
LOCATION: N. Clark Street, Los Angeles, CA
SIZE: 5,014 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Tuscan Villa of unparalleled quality and detail. Featuring distressed walnut floors, Roman courtyard, coffered ceilings, wrought iron details, game room, bar, 2 separate guest suites, gym, spa, pool and amazing city views.
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Alright children, simmer down now. Your Mama already knows that most of you haven’t an iota who this Andrew Lazar person is. We didn’t either until about an hour ago. However, if y’all bothered to spend a few minutes searching the interweb before screechin‘ and hollerin‘ at Your Mama you’d quickly discover that Mister Lazar is an eclectic and successful film producer with big money making credits such at 10 Things I Hate About You, Cats & Dogs, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind and, most recently, the cinematic re-make of the fantabulous 1960s Mel Brooks television gem Get Smart.
At the present moment, it’s unclear to Your Mama if Mister Lazar actually occupies this house or if he’s leased it out to someone with deep pockets and an admirable ability not to clutter up a house with too much furniture and knick knacks. However, even if he doesn’t shack up here, property records do reveal that the forty something producer purchased the house in August of 1995 for an undisclosed sum of money. We are certain one of you clever kids (or perhaps Mister Big Time) will be turn up that number, but a run through the records and databases that we use revealed nada. What we do know is that the 5,014 square foot house on Los Angeles’ N. Clark Street was recently listed with an only very rich people need bother to look asking price of $6,950,000.
Listing information for the so-called “Tuscan Villa” with its “Roman courtyard” indicates that the 5 bedroom and 7.5 bathroom mini-estate includes a large living room and a dining room with be-yoo-tee-fully arched French doors. There is also an eat in kitchen with giant Viking range, a den, a rose colored family room, a puse painted library and, natch, a media room which all the Hollywood types will appreciate.
Somewhere, according to listing information, amid all those tile and walnut floored rooms are an art studio and a dance studio. While these may be lovely and functional rooms to have at home if you’re Lucien Freud or Britney Spears, we expect that most people would prefer a home gym or a wine cellar to a ballet barre. The property also includes two separate (and we think that means detached) guest suites, a set up Your Mama find highly desirable. We cotton to the notion of being able to put up over night guests without fretting and fearing them spotting Your Mama roaming the house butt-nekkid in the middle of the night looking for a candy snack. That’s right! Who can be bothered with a damn robe while crawling around half asleep with a deep need for a handful of cinnamon covered almonds at 3:30 am? Pleeze!
Anyhoo, other dee–luxe amenities that rich folks will appreciate include the sky high hedges which will help thwart the prying eyes of paps and nosy neighbors, a secure and gated driveway, a total of five fireplaces, including one on the Saltillo tile paved patio next to the skinny swimming pool, and a stair case in the living room that is just begging for the regular and dramatic greeting of guests.
But even though we’d certainly be willing to have a look-see at this property iffin we had six and some million clams to spend on a house in Tinseltown, which we don’t, there are still a number of mostly resolvable issues that catch in our snarky craw:
1. The kitchen. Yes, children, it’s big and has all those dee–lishus Viking appliances, but the ornate cabinetry with all those turned spindle things looks like it might be better suited to a freshly built behemoth in suburban Calabasas.
2. The master bathroom. We can tolerate the scalloped aluminum sinks (although just barely), but we can not abide by the $36.00 Home Despot light fixture above the vanity and we get the hives looking at that etched glass shower door. Your Mama’s decorating rule #38 vehemently declares that no matter how expensive they may be, etched glass shower doors always look cheap and should be avoided whenever possible. Good lahwd children, Your Mama loathes those horrid things almost as much as we detest pot racks. Seriously. We’d sooner see a two dollar plastic shower curtain than some stoopid crane or mermaid etched into a glass panel.
3. The motor court. The pavered drive looks to be entirely too small in which to turn a limo around. This means, of course, that red carpet types will need to make an undignified walk down the steep driveway in heels and gowns unless the limo driver is skilled enough to reverse his long black behemoth up the curving driveway.
4. We’re also a wee bit unsure how we feel about that crow’s nest terrace hoozy–goozy thing sitting up on the roof with the intricate wrought iron canopy. While we do imagine that is a lovely spot to while away a sultry Southern California afternoon catching up on all the gossip glossies and gazing over the little people below, we’re concerned about the very real possibility of having that intricate iron work pattern turn up on sunburnt skin like some sort of henna tattoo.
Although we’re certain that some of you snobby sorts will gripe and grouse that the location of this house is lacking due to the fact that residents and guests must pilot their Porsches‘ and motor their Mercedes’ past all the less than posh apartment houses that line N. Clark Street just above Sunset Boo-lee-vard, it hasn’t stopped any number of rich and famous folks from buying up properties in the area. For a number of years durty mommy X-Tina Aguilera lived up the road on Devlin Drive in a exuberantly designed house currently for sale at $7,995,000 and last year super boob-toob producer Aaron Sorkin dumped $6,100,000 on a slick and recently rehabbed house just around the corner from Mister Lazar’s property. When she decided to spend more time in New York, super model Giselle Bundchen took in $3,980,000 when sold her west coast base on Devlin Drive and just around the corner on itty bitty Ozeta Terrace is really rich Yahoo! heiress and alleged lezbian about Los Angeles Courtenay Semel’s house that she was rumored and reported to share Sapphically with Lindsay Lohan before the on the skids ack-tress traded Miss Semel in for celebrity dj Samantha Ronson.
Your Mama doesn’t have a clue where Mister Lazar lives if not here, nor are we 100% sure about the extent of his real estate portfolio. However, property records do show that he also owns a ski retreat in Mammoth Lakes and we would not be soo-prised to learn that he scooped up a property in Arizona where according to the 411 on the Internet Movie Data Base, his blond lady friend and fiancee Erica Zodtner works as a CBS news anchor.