SELLER: Tom Brady
LOCATION: 70th Floor, North Tower, TimeWarner Center, 80 Columbus Circle, New York City
PRICE: $16,500,000 (monthly maintenance and taxes: $11,129)
SIZE: 2,910 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: HIGHEST floor available at the TimeWarner. Spectacular Central Park and river views. Ultra-Luxury condominium at the nexus of Central Park, Lincoln Center, and the elite Upper West Side. FIVE STAR LIVING!
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All the children surely know that when we read about the sale of this apartment in Braden Keil’s Gimme Shelter column this morning Your Mama’s eyes rolled right up into the back of our head. First of all we have never heard of this football playing Tom Brady person. Our sports ignorance necessitated ringing up our pal in San Francisco, Fiona Trambeau. Oh Lawhd hunny, just imagine the rasping ear-splitting she gave us for calling her before noon and disrupting her so-called beauty rest.
She did, however, calm down and offer us this typically lewd quote: “He always seems a bit light in the head when he talks, but you just know that with that arm and those nerves of re bar, this studly Republican and sometime Bush supporter has a dick with a shocking amount of confidence”
The second reason our eyes were rolling back into our heads is that according to Mister Keil, this apartment in the shockingly expensive TimeWarner building was purchased only last September. Which means this man is looking for a million dollar plus profit after owning the place six months. Well, you know Your Mama sees that shit as plain greedy. The Manhattan luxury market is good, but cain’t be that good, can it?
Because it’s located on the 70th (!) floor, just reading about this apartment gives Your Mama vertigo. Not only that, we are deeply concerned what would happen in the event of a power outage. Imagine Your Mama having to carry our bitches Linda and Beverly down 70 flights of stairs. Those gurls would be in such a panic we’d have to drug them just to consider such a feat.
In addition to his ball throwing abilities, this Mr. Brady, who happens to be revoltingly good looking, is known for having an eye for celebrity lady dates. In the past he has been linked to such pop stars and tartlets as Mariah Carey, Tara Reid, and even that trashy Britney Spears gurl who, quite frankly, is making Tara Reid look like a nun lately. Anyhoo, Mr. Keil claims our lusty ball thrower purchased this apartment to be nearer to his then girlfriend, the sexy sexy Bridget Moynahan.
But that relationship has gone south, and Mr. Brady, who it seems never even moved into this apartment, is moving on and has reportedly been seen humping around with Victoria’s Secret lingerie mannequin Gisele Bundchen.
Your Mama is terribly mixed on these TimeWarner apartments. On the one hand, the views are absolutely magnificent. On the other we worry excessively about living this high in the air. The building amenities and services are beyond compare, but the apartment finishes are also rather bland and frankly, cheap. We know the apartments were built with the idea owners would hire fancy gay decorators to go in and do up the places with unlimited budgets, but we still think for well over $10,000,000 we should be getting quality finishes even if we intend to change them.
The listing agents over at Corcoran, uber-agent to the stars Wilbur Gonzales and Dennis Mangone, have included a shamefully paltry amount of interior photos, but the photos of the night time views are absolutely stunning.