OWNER: Gisele Bundchen
LOCATION: West 11th Street, New York, NY
SIZE: 1,754 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Fabulous FURNISHED Penthouse Triplex with gorgeous views of the Hudson River from all rooms with approx. 2500 sq. ft. planted terrace equipped with chef’s professional grill and furnitures. There is also a hot tub/jacuzzi on the private roof deck. This residence with key locked elevator features 2 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, complete with drop dead river views on each floor with interiors done in a soft Brazilian style. It is furnished with flat screen TV’s, A/V equipment, subzero fridge and has central A/C.
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning we’re going to jump on the back of Braden Keil of the NY Post who writes in his Gimme Shelter column that Brazilian super model Gisele Bundchen is looking to lease out her West Village penthouse for the month of August for the Birkin Bag busting price of $29,000.
Your Mama knows ya’ll are asking the same thing we are. Why? This skinny bitch’s bank account is fat. F.A.T. So fat that she makes makes nasty tempered parolee Naomi Campbell look like a pauper. So it’s not that she needs the money.
Besides, who gets top dollar leasing their fancy place out in August? in New York City? In August? Lahwd children, have you been to New York City in August? It’s hot as Hades and the humidity sits so heavy on the air it’s like breathing cotton. And do we even need to discuss the odors that assault people as they walk the streets? Think melting dog crap that people do not pick up because it’s too much effort to bend over in the extreme heat, evaporating urine (canine and human), rotting garbage, and the disturbing body odor of strangers standing in line at the supermarket.
And trust Your Mama when we tell you that come August, people who are stuck in New York City are edgy and angry from the heat. Seriously, do not fuck with a sweaty New Yorker in August, because even a Junior Leaguer wearing Chanel sandals would sooner cut you than compromise over who is getting into the lone taxi cab on Fifth Avenue at 4:30pm.
Let’s be honest, most with the means to afford a $29,000 monthly sublet flee New York City in August in order to escape the sweltering heat and humidity. Sure, Gisele’s penthouse has more terrace square footage than most New Yorker’s have indoors, but in August, who’s going to be sitting out there looking at the Hudson River roll buy while rivulets of sweat stream down their humidity bloated skin? Seriously. In August, New Yorkers stay inside, air conditioning pumping, praying there isn’t a blackout.
So while the terraces are lovely and the views are quite attractive, it’s really the interior spaces that matter to New Yorkers in August. And unfortunately the only photos of the in-side of the penthouse are a couple of one of the somewhat ordinary poopers, which looks like a perfectly adequate, if a little dark, place to evacuate.
The triplex unit is accessed via a key lock elevator which will make all the security freaks out there feel a little safer. But Your Mama is far more concerned that the elevator service all three floors of the penthouse. Your Mama could not even consider paying $29,000 a month to huff and puff our prodigious backside up and down three flights of stairs day in and day out. That would be like being charged a huge some of money to have a coronary.
We’re sure the leasing of this property has something to do with the fact that Miss Gisele recently purchased a townhouse in the once bohemian, now atrociously expensive West Village neighborhood of New York. Miss Gisele also recently sold her Los Angeles house for almost $4,000,000. That house, located on Devlin Drive in the Hollywood Hills, sits sugar borrowing distance from durty mommy to be Christina Aguilera’s spectacular modern manse and the flip property that Fred Savage recently sold to billionaire Alfred Mann’s daughter Cassandra.
P.S. To all the children who read this post earlier today, we apologize for the confusion and discrepancies.