A question for Sunday night’s Emmy contenders: Are you sure you want to win?
As you sit there in your uncomfortable formal wear, without having eaten for hours, bored at everyone’s laundry list of thank yous, consider the fact that the Emmy organizers have an 18-step list of recommended events once you leave the stage.
You have to run the Emmy equivalent of a marathon, complete with hurdles (i.e., members of the media). According to “The 56th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards Instructions,” there are a minimum of eight stops for the lucky winner.
Step 1: Meet your publicist in the Publicist Holding Area. Step 2: Give a sound bite to Mary Hart for “Entertainment Tonight.” Then pick up your statuette and give a sound bite to Nancy O’Dell for “Access Hollywood.” Then the photo room, where dozens of photogs will shout out your name and ask you to kiss your trophy.
Stop 5: The “official Emmy Magazine photo” shoot. Then another sound bite, this time with Dayna Devon and Mark McGrath for “Extra.” Stop 7: the general press room, where journos will ask questions about how you feel, whether you expected to win and who’s your date.
Stop 8: One-on-one rooms, where you can sit down with various outlets, including the three webs’ morning talkshows, “The Insider,” “Inside Edition,” CNN, E! and TV Guide Channel. In all, there are 11 one-on-ones, meaning you can extend your win to 18 stops. Wheee!
If you win, the post-mortems begin on Sunday’s late-night news and will continue on the Monday-morning talkshows, as pundits will acidly analyze your clothes and acceptance speech and say why they wish someone else had won in your category.
But if you lose, you can leave immediately, go to Tommy’s on Beverly for a burger and then head for whichever Emmy parties you want.
The agony of waiting is nothing compared to the agony of victory that awaits you. So be careful what you wish for.