The Kerry home companion

Guest column

FROM: Sinclair Broadcasting Group

TO: All Sinclair television stations

RE: Mandatory programming for Nov. 1

In the spirit of our wildly successful broadcast of the film “Stolen Honor: Wounds That Never Heal,” the following is a list of mandatory programming for all Sinclair stations on Election Eve, Nov. 1:

“Everybody Hates Kerry” (comedy): There’s friction aplenty between husband and wife, kids and interfering in-laws in this crowd-pleasing family sitcom, but there’s one thing they all agree on: If elected, John Kerry would turn over our nation’s defense to Jacques Chirac, the Dixie Chicks and Jane Fonda.

“Antiques Roadshow” (reality): The roadshow moves to Washington, D.C., where an antiques expert gives a Washington housewife some good news: The military medals she found in the gutter more than 30 years ago are priceless honors that were wantonly thrown away by Sen. John Kerry. Also: Sen. Kerry’s ideas about national defense turn out to be very old, but worthless.

“Swift Boat Lesbians for Truth” (paid programming): In this one-hour special financed by a group calling itself Swift Boat Lesbians for Truth, the lesbian daughters of Swift Boat veterans argue that Sen. John Kerry’s outing of the vice president’s daughter Mary on national TV has made our nation less safe.

“Sinclair Monday Night Family Movie”: “John Kerry: Portrait of a Serial Killer” (2004)

“Survivor: Taxachusetts” (reality): Seven middle-class wage-earners are parachuted into the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, where, stripped of tax cuts and the ability to choose their own health plan, they are forced at gunpoint to marry a member of the same sex and speak exclusively in French. Of course, since they don’t have the right to bear arms, there’s precious little they can do about it. Host: Jane Fonda.

“Raleigh Legal” (drama): In this new series, a startlingly attractive but amoral personal injury lawyer in Raleigh, N.C., bankrupts a series of insurance companies with excessive penalty judgments, enabling him to buy his way onto the national Democratic ticket.

“My Big Fat Obnoxious Ketchup Heiress” (reality): In this reality series, contestants must endure a series of bruising physical and mental challenges to avoid spending an evening with Teresa Heinz Kerry.

“Headliners and Legends” (biography): A look at the lives, loves and enduring friendship between Sen. John Kerry, terror mastermind Osama bin Laden and Jane Fonda.

Note: If at any time during the broadcast day you experience technical difficulties with our satellite downlink, please switch to the live feed of the Fox News Channel.

Andy Borowitz is the author of a new book, “The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers,” and a comedy screenplay about the military.

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