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High Noon redux

Guest Column

The people have spoken in the election. And now that the Bushies rule the political world, it begs the question: What films should remake-happy Hollywood put into development if it wants to curry favor with the new administration?

  • “High Noon” (by Attorney General John Ashcroft). This classic Western, which was a parable for the appeasing totalitarianism in the 1950s, has some key plot elements that are begging to be changed. In the pic, three outlaws arrive on the noon train to kill. Cooper doesn’t lock up the three outlaws waiting at the train station, explaining that they haven’t done anything wrong.

    In the revised version, the three bad guys are thrown in jail without being charged. The fourth guy is taken to a secure location and interrogated about other desperadoes. This saves everyone a lot of trouble, and crime and evil are wiped out in the town.

  • “Pearl Harbor” and “Tora, Tora, Tora.” Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld must hate these movies, which show how unprepared the Navy was before World War II (Rummie served in the Navy, after all). In the revised version, the U.S. Navy launches a pre-emptive attack on Japan, wins of course, then settles in for an easy occupation, as the Americans are welcomed as liberators.

  • “Treasure of the Sierra Madre.” Conservative commentators might point out that this classic study of greed is left-wing propaganda. Wasn’t the writer, the mysterious B. Traven, an anarchist? To besmirch making a lot of money is just un-American. In the revised version, a man starts a casino in the wilderness of Mexico, battling lefties and labor unions, and making millions. It fits the title a lot better, too.

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