Bob Hope one-liners

Zingers from throughout his career

“When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor’s Orphanage — he shot both his parents and moved in.”

1953

“Eisenhower admitted the budget can’t be balanced and McCarthy says the Communists are taking over. You don’t know what to worry about these days … whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn.”

1954

“I have it on good authority that (Sen. Joseph) McCarthy is going to disclose the names of 2 million Communists. He has just got his hands on the Moscow telephone directory.”

1963

“I feel very humble. But I think I have the strength of character to fight it.” (On being awarded a Congressional Gold Medal by President Kennedy)

1968

“Welcome to the Academy Awards. Or as it’s known in my house — Passover.”

1970

“Where else but in America could the women’s liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?”

Post-Watergate

“I bumped into Gerald Ford the other day. I said, ‘Pardon me.’ He said, ‘I don’t do that anymore.’ ”

1980

“Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and ‘The Gong Show.’ ”

1984

“I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.”

“I’m not retiring until they carry me away,” he said. “And I’ll have a few routines on the way to the big divot.”

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