If You Only Knew

Produced by Richard Salvatore, Carmen M. Miller. Executive producers, Willi Baer, Marc Sferrazza. Co-producers, David E. Ornston, Joey Travolta, Gary Goldstein, David Franco.

Produced by Richard Salvatore, Carmen M. Miller. Executive producers, Willi Baer, Marc Sferrazza. Co-producers, David E. Ornston, Joey Travolta, Gary Goldstein, David Franco.

Directed by David Snedeker. Screenplay, Gary Goldstein, Snedeker. Camera (FotoKem color), Kristian Bernier; editor, William Bonomo; music, Bill Myers; production designer, Abigail Mannox; costume designer, Lexi Nikitas. Reviewed at Santa Barbara Film Festival, March 5, 2000. Running time: 109 MIN.

With: Jonathan Schaech, Alison Eastwood, James LeGros, Gabrielle Anwar, Lainie Kazan.

As threadbare as a romantic comedy can be, “If You Only Knew” is a case of a seemingly cute idea undermining an entire movie. Set-up of a straight guy (in this case, Jonathan Schaech’s archly named character Parker Concord) posing as gay so he can rent a cool downtown New York pad with pretty gal Sam (Alison Eastwood) is perhaps something that might work in the ironic hands of a Hal Hartley, but is unplayable as conceived by helmer and co-writer David Snedeker. Entertainment value of this wispy item is ultra cut-rate, making pic a nonstarter past a few fest appearances.

After accidentally burning down his apartment, down-on-his-luck Parker holes up at the pad of playboy pal Jack (James LeGros), whose motto is that “New York is a dessert tray of beautiful women.” Through a strained series of misunderstandings, Parker ends up renting an apartment with struggling female painter Sam, who will only share digs with gay men. Parker must pose as gay for over half of the length of this poorly conceived comedy, which then creates further, dumber obstacles for the couple when they fall in love. Thesps Schaech, Eastwood and LeGros do nothing to advance their careers.

If You Only Knew

( U.S.--GERMANY)

Production: A Moonstone Entertainment release of an Eternity Pictures presentation of a Cinerenta/Cinefirst production in association with Two Sticks Prods. (International sales: Moonstone Entertainment.)

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