THERE ARE ETERNAL QUESTIONS that may never be answered: What is reality? What is the meaning of life? Why was I born? When was the last time Lauren Bacall went to a supermarket? What kind of people would allow their marriage ceremony to be performed on “Live With Regis & Kathie Lee”?
We’ll wait a moment while you ponder those questions.
I know, the fifth one was the hardest. Then are you ready for some more? OK, get out a clean sheet of paper and a No. 2 pencil, and answer the following.
SINCE “A STREETCAR Named Desire,” “The Moon Is Blue,” “Lady in a Cage” and “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” were once considered shocking and scandalous, does that mean American Movie Classics may one day be airing “Showgirls” and “Natural Born Killers”?
If the writers and director of the Oscarcast can win an Emmy for their work, what can the writers and director of the Emmys win?
Sometimes, when you’re really tired, do you ever get Lori Loughlin, Laura Linney and Laura Leighton mixed up?
When some studio exec suggests to a director that a two-hour, 15-minute film could be trimmed, isn’t the director aware the exec may have a point?
Since the Oakland school board wants Ebonics considered a separate language, does that mean that the Hughes brothers’ movies someday could qualify for the Oscar as best foreign-language film?
Could Jackie Mason be considered a foreign language?
Does Connie Stevens sell makeup on Home Shopping Network 24 hours a day, or does it just seem that way?
A few years ago, did anyone ever imagine that “Clash of the Titans,” “The Adventures of Baron Munchausen” and “Leap of Faith” would one day become the most-aired movies on cable?
Since Sharon Lawrence has her own sitcom, appears on “NYPD Blue” and is at every premiere, when does she have time to sleep?
Why do so many Oscar-nominated movies — “Evita,” “Jerry Maguire,” “Hamlet,” “Emma,” “Michael Collins,” “The People vs. Larry Flynt,” “Marvin’s Room” — have somebody’s name in the title?
Did you ever think you’d live long enough to see a multiple-Oscar nominee named Billy Bob?
REMEMBER WHEN YOU used to see someone sitting outside their office building and you assumed they were soaking up the fresh air, but now you assume they’re there to smoke?
Since the Jewish songwriter Irving Berlin wrote “Easter Parade” and “White Christmas,” isn’t it only polite that some goy composer should come up with at least one standard about Hanukkah and Rosh Hashanah?
Now that Mel Gibson is a star, why don’t they release “Mad Max” with the original Australian dialogue to cable and homevideo?
Are “Real World” and “Road Rules” on MTV 24 hours a day, or does it just seem that way?
Why wasn’t George Clooney the sexiest man alive when he was in his four previous TV series?
Sometimes, when you’re really tired, do you ever get Dylan Baker, Dylan Walsh, Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney mixed up?
Since the invention of remote controls, why are lead-in series still important on TV?
Why does everyone always speculate on what Shakespeare would be doing if he were alive today, but no one ever wonders about Chekhov or Moliere or Euripides?
WHY IS EVERYONE ALWAYS so sure about what Walt Disney would disapprove of if he were alive today, but nobody wonders about Harry Cohn, Jack Warner or Louis B. Mayer?
Sometimes, when you’re really tired, do you ever get Rene Russo, Andie MacDowell and Jeanne Tripplehorn mixed up?
Is “Talk Soup” on 24 hours a day on E!, or does it just seem that way?
That new guy who hosts “Talk Soup” is not expecting to get a lead role in a Sydney Pollack movie, is he?
When post office workers go postal and shoot co-workers, exactly what do they have to put up with that showbiz employees don’t?