LET ME TELL YOU, CLAIRVOYANCE is both a curse and a blessing. On the one hand , I’ve lost many friends by refusing to help them pick lotto numbers; on the other hand, it saved me from attending the all-media screenings of “Newsies” and “Frozen Assets.”
While my fellow oracles concede that I have a better track record than most, my psychic gifts are not infallible: Though I sensed that “Home Alone” and “Terminator 2” would be mega-hits, the failure of “The Pat Sajak Show” took me completely by surprise.
Unfortunately, professional ethics require that I not interfere in people’s lives, and so I suffer terribly when I know I could prevent disasters but must keep quiet. (As soon as I heard the title, some strange stirrings made me want to warn Sylvester Stallone about doing “Stop … Or My Mom Will Shoot,” but you just have to let people live and learn.)
My gifts are for the benefit of mankind, not for personal gain, so don’t call me with specific career questions. (Joe Piscopo, this means YOU.) However, I can offer some predictions. Not for next year–if you’re curious about Roseanne Arnold, Delta Burke and the Windsors in 1993, go pick up the tabloids.
No, as a visionary, I look to the real future–to the changing of the decade, to the start of a new millenium. To the year 2001. And since show business is the most important factor in the life of everyperson on this planet–isn’t it? Well, isn’t it?–it’s time to think about what will happen in eight years after this century comes to its official end on Dec. 31, 2000:
DICK CLARK’S ROCKIN’ NEW YEAR’S EVE” will play “Also Spake Zarathustra” just as midnight strikes, every U.S. publication will carry at least one article comparing modern technology to Stanley Kubrick’s 1968 film, and Jon Voight and Bob Dylan will partake in a spoof of the movie during the annual “L’Chaim to Life” telethon.
While local TV and superstations will carry “2001” and every local news show will air clips of the film during its “Commentary” segment, nobody will mention Peter Hyams’ “2010.”
WOODY ALLEN WILL OVERTHROW girlfriend/frequent co-star Drew Barrymore for Anna Chlumsky.
Though signups are described as “somewhat disappointing” for the pay-per-view Menudo reunion, exex will hold fast to their belief that some event soon will prove that there is really a big audience for PPV specials other than boxing and wrestling.
Miss Alabama will win the “Miss America” contest by performing “Come in From the Rain” and will appear on NBC’s “Bob Hope Springs Into Spring,” singing a romantic duet with the 98-year-old host.
Born-again singer Axl Rose will open for George Burns at the Riviera in Vegas.
Grad students will do master’s theses on topics such as “‘Full House’ and Family Values in the Late 20th Century.”
Executives, weaned on syndicated fare, will greenlight film and TV projects like “Charles in Charge–The Movie” and “Three’s Company 2: The Next Generation.”
Howard Stern will host a ’90s nostalgia weekend at Magic Mountain, toplined by Michael Bolton, Metallica and Paula Abdul.
Twenty-First Century Fox will realize it’s gone to the well once too often with “Home Alone 5,” starring 19-year-old Macaulay Culkin.
After the debacle of the fall 2000 elections, everyone will agree that networks and cablers should stop exit polling.
Someone will proclaim that L.A. is becoming a real theater town.
Since nearly everyone had thrown away their studio promotional hand-outs, the complete set of “Mighty Ducks” trading cards will fetch a record $ 3.2 million at Christie’s auction house.
NEW ALBUMS WILL BE RELEASED by Jim Croce, the Carpenters, Janis Joplin and Harry Chapin.
All the executives who currently hold jobs at studios will still be holding jobs at studios, although they’ll have different titles and be at different studios.
“1492: The Director’s Cut” will break records at the Nuart.
After years of changing dates in Daily Variety (“The April period this year was the five-week spread from March 20 to April 23”), A.D. Murphy’s calendar will finally replace the Gregorian calendar as the universal standard.
Creditors will be close to settling with Orion.
Twenty-five years after “Sybil” and 17 years after her second Oscar win, entertainment writers will still refer to her as “former ‘Flying Nun’ Sally Field.”
The FCC will hold its annual vote on cable reregulation.
An appearance by Madonna, plugging her controversial interactive CD “Joystick ,” will pull in record numbers for “The Tina Brown Show.”
While some of today’s top film and TV stars will have disappeared into oblivion, Paul Moyer, Regis Philbin, Gary Franklin, Michael Medved, Geraldo Rivera, Wally George and Robin Leach will still be with us.